on playing with fire

knowing myself, i knew that i wouldn't last long on my cock-free diet. it took me four days. four uneventful days, until one of my old fuck buddies thought of coming over 'cause i was on his way to work. two birds, one stone, or in this case, only one of us came.

so there goes that idea. the concept wasn't exactly a pragmatic approach in the first place. as much as i've come to believe that monogamy doesn't do it for me, i've also come to realise that trying to get myself into an exclusive no-strings-attached-just-sex situation is a lot more complicated than it seems. 

i was just about to delete my manhunt account last night when i accidentally ended up signing for a three-month membership in the process. yeah, i know, who the fuck does that. but it was fucked, i had no choice and dwelling over one's mistake isn't exactly a healthy way of dealing with this. i've accepted my fate, to have a three-month unlimited membership with manhunt. i thought, i might as well take full advantage of this, you know, you'll never know, i've met some guys who've managed to meet their future husbands through this, and even though the chances of anybody on mh ending up like that is rather slim, i'm taking my chances. besides, my thirty dollars better worth something.

i've been a total idiot this past week. aside from getting my iPhone stolen again from work for the second-motherfucking-time in two months, accidentally signing-up for a three-month membership instead of deleting my account, i've also manage to fuck-up my pseudo-relationship with my nsefb (no-strings-exclusive-fuck-buddy.) motherfucking fantasfuckingfic.

he was perfect to say the least, my quintessential aussie bonafide sex god, a good kisser, and a hot fuck. i honestly couldn't ask for more; blonde hair, blue-eyed, cut, hung, twenty-five year-old that knew how to fuck and kiss. basing from my own experience for the last four years, men like him are hard to come by here. 

i kind of cheated on him, no, i actually did cheat on him. the fuck buddy who came over yesterday wasn't exactly my nsefb 'cause he was sick the whole week (because of me) and i was just getting this weird feeling that he wasn't into me anymore. personal note: don't trust gut feelings.

my insecurities has won the best of me. i'm insecure about a lot of things and i've learned to use sex as my source of affirmation ever since my last relationship fell apart. i think that's where i pretty much fucked up. i love having sex. but to condition myself to feel better after having one, to make myself feel like i'm wanted again? that fake intimacy that i always want to get and feel from somebody? it's pathetic if you think about. it's easy to say that i have my needs and i'm just doing the right thing by compensating it the easiest way, but it also speaks about how utterly impatient i am. 

i'm a drama queen. drama doesn't come to me, i make 'em.

i really could have most of the things i need just right next to me, but by some weird subconscious manifestation, i always, fuck it up. not too sure of what to do with myself, i really should start giving myself some quality me time to put my life into perspective; establishing needs, finding my resources, weighing out assets, taking action. 

now if only men could be custom-made through e-bay, seventy-eight percent of my problems would have been dealt with, in the end of the day, one question just always seem to pop-up out in the blue, to fuck or not to fuck, that is the question.

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number of times i've said fuck in this post : 13

number of times i've masturbated today : 4

number of times i've chatted with somebody about having sex with them the last three days: 5

number of times i'm most likely to have sex this week : 2

number of times i've tried and failed going to the gym this week : 3

likeliness of me jacking off again after posting this : 47%