on playing with fire

knowing myself, i knew that i wouldn't last long on my cock-free diet. it took me four days. four uneventful days, until one of my old fuck buddies thought of coming over 'cause i was on his way to work. two birds, one stone, or in this case, only one of us came.

so there goes that idea. the concept wasn't exactly a pragmatic approach in the first place. as much as i've come to believe that monogamy doesn't do it for me, i've also come to realise that trying to get myself into an exclusive no-strings-attached-just-sex situation is a lot more complicated than it seems. 

i was just about to delete my manhunt account last night when i accidentally ended up signing for a three-month membership in the process. yeah, i know, who the fuck does that. but it was fucked, i had no choice and dwelling over one's mistake isn't exactly a healthy way of dealing with this. i've accepted my fate, to have a three-month unlimited membership with manhunt. i thought, i might as well take full advantage of this, you know, you'll never know, i've met some guys who've managed to meet their future husbands through this, and even though the chances of anybody on mh ending up like that is rather slim, i'm taking my chances. besides, my thirty dollars better worth something.

i've been a total idiot this past week. aside from getting my iPhone stolen again from work for the second-motherfucking-time in two months, accidentally signing-up for a three-month membership instead of deleting my account, i've also manage to fuck-up my pseudo-relationship with my nsefb (no-strings-exclusive-fuck-buddy.) motherfucking fantasfuckingfic.

he was perfect to say the least, my quintessential aussie bonafide sex god, a good kisser, and a hot fuck. i honestly couldn't ask for more; blonde hair, blue-eyed, cut, hung, twenty-five year-old that knew how to fuck and kiss. basing from my own experience for the last four years, men like him are hard to come by here. 

i kind of cheated on him, no, i actually did cheat on him. the fuck buddy who came over yesterday wasn't exactly my nsefb 'cause he was sick the whole week (because of me) and i was just getting this weird feeling that he wasn't into me anymore. personal note: don't trust gut feelings.

my insecurities has won the best of me. i'm insecure about a lot of things and i've learned to use sex as my source of affirmation ever since my last relationship fell apart. i think that's where i pretty much fucked up. i love having sex. but to condition myself to feel better after having one, to make myself feel like i'm wanted again? that fake intimacy that i always want to get and feel from somebody? it's pathetic if you think about. it's easy to say that i have my needs and i'm just doing the right thing by compensating it the easiest way, but it also speaks about how utterly impatient i am. 

i'm a drama queen. drama doesn't come to me, i make 'em.

i really could have most of the things i need just right next to me, but by some weird subconscious manifestation, i always, fuck it up. not too sure of what to do with myself, i really should start giving myself some quality me time to put my life into perspective; establishing needs, finding my resources, weighing out assets, taking action. 

now if only men could be custom-made through e-bay, seventy-eight percent of my problems would have been dealt with, in the end of the day, one question just always seem to pop-up out in the blue, to fuck or not to fuck, that is the question.

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number of times i've said fuck in this post : 13

number of times i've masturbated today : 4

number of times i've chatted with somebody about having sex with them the last three days: 5

number of times i'm most likely to have sex this week : 2

number of times i've tried and failed going to the gym this week : 3

likeliness of me jacking off again after posting this : 47%

on scaffoldings and men

that's it. i've given up on men. i know it is very easy to have ourselves fall into this bitter gaping hole of despair and regret, but i've decided that i'm going to be on a cock-free diet 'till I can't handle it anymore (yeah, that's me trying). i'm kind of worried how much of a shock my body would get after it realises that it's not going to get it's constant ass-rummaging late night rendezvous anymore, but this is for the better, i think. 

it's frustrating to see how much frustrated i get with men but i should really start on putting more effort into sorting out what my real priorities are. i'm pretty sure i've had gone over what most people would have considered an average amount of sexual partners in a lifetime, so giving myself a bit of a break to smell the flowers, and hand-wash my laundry would help me sort out my shit more (and have most of my clothes last longer). 

so fuck the new year. i say when my new year starts. as much as i want to do an abstract artsy photo montage of what i want to do right so you could spend more time here trying to decipher the whole thing, i'll do us all a favour and do it as a list.

1. get rid of six grand debt that i've amassed from buying furniture when me and Aaron were living together. (in six months)
2. save up money to enrol myself for university this coming August. (in two months)
3. move out of my current flat and live somewhere more monetarily sustainable.  (in ten months)
4. fitter body and a more prominent six-pack (in three months)
5. save up money to back me up once i start studying full-time in university next year (in fifteen months)

now i know that most of them are pretty loose, and this obviously are more of the big stepping stones to help me get to where i need, but i think laying them out first before planning out where you're jumping onto next helps. let's do this!

 i hope you've thought about what your plans are for this year, and if you haven't, get your shit together gurl!

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back to my normal shallow shit, this is what my body looks like the first week of this month- definitely a big change to what i used to look like a few months ago (link here). I'm getting there baby! 

on my plate

i've been doing a bit of tweaking with what i have planned for myself this year. along my plans of redesigning my patio, i've decided to enrol myself in a coffee-making class. i pretty much spend most of my pay buying coffee every morning that it has come to a point that it has become one of those things that is stopping me from achieving my dream of becoming debt-free. 

you want coffee, you make coffee.

and i thought, why don't i start learning skills of where some of my money goes to, like signing up for sewing lessons so i could start doing my own hems. it's usually ten dollars a pop, and well, that's going to add up by the end of the year, right? 

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i'm studying again in two months and i should really start figuring out how the fuck i'm going to enrol myself. i've decided to study psychology before i get myself dwelling back into the fine arts. my other job working as a gallery assistant really helped me understand the art industry and it's state. i'd be lying if i wasn't disheartened with the amount of hipster shit and how much a current trend could have an effect with what gets shown, but there's always a few gems out there that do try and shine withstanding a whole pile of rubbish. 

Aaron has come out fine after the break-up. he's looking better than ever. now skinny, fitter, but still buys tacky apparel from mainstream outlets ('cause i'm so goddamn indie). i think we both came out quite fine after the break-up, i saw his itinerary for this year and he's all booked-up on holidays! he even signed up to those run thingies, you know, the one where people sign up for some charity and run fifty kilometres? yeah, that shit. good for him, i couldn't be happier. 

i'm stopping myself from going on dates for a while, i have too much on my plate right now and getting knocked up in my twenties isn't exactly what i'm aspiring for and so should you. apparently, prince charming usually shows up when you're at your peak and not at your worst. i'd like to rest on that idea and you know, maybe, hopefully, one day, you'll see me writing about him here whilst i retell to you every detail of our summer holiday at Bondi beach.

i'm slowly getting my shit together and the future does look brighter than ever. now, if only i could find myself an attractive intellectual sugar daddy...'cause i want it all goddamnit