Monday, 3 December 2012

on living in an empty house

Aaron has left. I could not feel his presence anymore. He left four pairs of underwear, a shirt, and a couple pair of jeans. He's probably more likely to pick it up while I'm at work. 

The last three weeks has been like living in hell for the both of us. The rising temperature, and now the apparent thirty-nine degree weather is just making it worse. The heat took the best of us, and a couple of days ago, I broke down. I dragged everything out of the cupboard, everything off the shelves, all my books, everything, on the floor. My house, our house, our home turned into us.

I ended up falling asleep on his couch out of exhaustion, when I woke up, half of his furniture was gone. He was gone. I was alone.

Now, sitting on this empty house, I've come to compare how the state of one's house reflects one's being.

I've always had this nagging in me to constantly clean our house back then, every week, I'd clean it up, and every week, it'd go to shit. I was so desperate to keep things clean, keep things clear.

Even though deep inside, I knew that all our baggages was kept in our cupboards and it was bound to come out at some point. No matter how hard I tried to keep everything, to throw every random piece I see back in our closet, it only made me realise how looking good externally doesn't mean shit once you realise that in every cabinet,.....every nook and cranny you have in this house has garbage lying around it, inside it, all over it,....somewhere.

I can't help but miss having him around here. His dirty underwear on the bathroom floor, his running shoes on my shoe rack, his snoring.

There were those things that made me sure that he was still around, his presence has always given me warmth - despite knowing both of our impeding doom - we tried to keep it intact. People, need people, and that is a fact.

I do miss him, but this, him leaving, me going is best for the both of us.

We're keeping ourselves from meeting the right person.

If there's one big thing that I've learned from this almost two year relationship we had, it's to always listen to your intuition, your gut feeling, that wrenching, pulling feeling you feel deep down inside you when you know something's wrong, something's not going to work out.

A couple days ago, was also our year and eleventh month together. I guess that's where our story officially ended.

On a regular external note, I got myself into personal training and this is kind of my first week after one. Nothing has changed yet but hopefully, in about a week or two you'll see more of a change.

I'll get there. Sucks I got the flu :( Hope I get better soon

The house is cleaner now too. My clothes are still on the floor and I'll deal with it when I can. Right now, it's just all about cleaning what's more important than this old crummy house, me.


rudeboy said...

I still believe that clearing out external clutter helps us sort out our internal clutter as well, Herbs.

Besides, cleaning house can be very therapeutic.

Herbs D. said...

And so was pulling out those rubbish out, exposed on our living room floor. That was definitely the most therapeutic in all of them. Exposing one's weakness has always been a sign of true strength for me.

That's what I had to do. To acknowledge what was wrong And to deal with it.

ZaiZai said...

After the physical clutter, there's the emotional clutter, much harder and time consuming to sort and take out. It's a bit sad, but like all thing it has an end :)

Hope you're much better now, flu free :)

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