on where i am now

I've always been confused whenever my friends would tell me that happiness is a choice. I've always thought that happiness is a product of the situation you're in. Not a source of where you are, but kind of a conclusion to what you're currently working on. 

I started dating again a couple of weeks ago. The first one didn't turn out well. He was this twenty-something career-driven, successful, driving a sports-car, and living the life of luxury kind of guy. Average-looking, lebanese-aussie born, smart, sexually-competent, with a very ugly, dead, middle toe on his left foot. I know.

He wasn't exactly my type, but the fact that he was so young, and to be where he's at right now, made him attractive to me. Like a mail-order-bride from Thailand, his life as his work was the one single thing that got me glued to him. I think that was partly the reason why things didn't turn out well. I had the wrong reasons on why I would wanna get to know this guy. In a way, I wanted to be like him, I wanted him to be a teacher, not a lover. 

I couldn't handle his crazy work schedule though. His priority was his work, and that's fair enough, and I really appreciated it when he'd took the time at two in the morning to drive all the way to my place to pick me up just so we could share a wine or two at his apartment. That was sweet, he was sweet, but there's always more to it than that. 

Deep inside, I knew things weren't exactly going to work out in the future. I've come to listen to my gut-instincts a lot more now, and that's one of those things that I've learned from him. Our instincts are there for a reason, and no matter how well advanced technology and the way we live now, we should never forget to tap into our instincts, besides, we wouldn't have survived all these years without 'em. 

My emancipation from dating made me feel better. I don't know but I couldn't help but ask myself, is my body telling me that I'm just not built for dating just yet? or has it always known that things were not going to work out with this guy?

I'm happy nonetheless. I've managed to learn from something that only lasted for two weeks.

------------

Three weeks in from my last work-out update. 

I've been working really hard to get this new "healthy" lifestyle" on the roll. I'm still not as driven to working out just all by myself, but having to pay a really hot personal trainer really does help when it comes to getting the results you need. I'm nowhere in to where I want to be right now but the changes in my body has been more apparent to me than the last five weeks ever since I started doing this. I can't wait!

Things always seem to work out well as long as you put out and wait for it. Let's just hope this is one of them ;-)

on being in zen mode

My room is still a mess. My new housemate is moving in in my old house (which by the way I thought of keeping,) and along this I haven't been at home for the last four days-so I did the fastest but not exactly the most time-efficient way of moving my stuff, to just throw them all on the floor. 

At this point I think my old theory of one's current state reflecting your surrounding has been debunked. 

I'm doing great and I think I've done the right thing by sticking to my instincts. In a way, my stubbornness made me happy. My choice to stick with my guts and my constant determination to push myself out of my boundaries to make myself a better person has triumphed over the idea of being safe. That's the reality of it though, you only learn once you push yourself over the cliff.

I've learned things about myself that needs to be dealt with like my lack of patience, and frustrations from other people which made me realise of how much they mirror myself. I've come to know myself and I'm glad to have been able to do so through others. You may be curious on how I managed to be in this clear state of mind right now, and you might already know this already.

And if not, here's the secret:

 LISTEN TO YOURSELF

You know when they say, "You get what you think you deserve." I somehow managed to rephrase that to something that I think I could resonate more from.  Like, 

Listen, Acknowledge, and Get it.

You may know what you want or you may be fully aware of this, but nothing's going to change until you accept what it is and do whatever it is in your way to achieve that. We're happy when we allow ourselves to be happy.

I know I'm not perfect and I really do try to constantly learn from all this. I know that I'm slightly crazy, extremely anal, and overtly crass most of the time, but that's okay. I've learned to be proud of who I am and be who I am and to not put myself as to what people expect of me or how society wants me to act, but to be the person I want to be.

Unless of course you have psychopathic tendencies, 'coz gurl, you gunna need some talkin' to.

This post may be short, but I hope you'll get something out of it like I did, and I hope you realise how deeply profound this is. I'm sure we'll all turn out fine in the end.

on where I am now

So in less than four days, everything inside this house will be gone. Everything, except me. Aaron decided to pull his furniture out more than a month away before our lease ends. It's not the nicest thing, but hey, most of the stuff here anyway are his, so yes, fair enough. 

He called me while I was doing my groceries this morning.

Hey, just wanted to let you know that I'm picking up my furniture this Tuesday. Do you know what you're going to do yet?

I didn't say anything back. It was a shock, I was expecting things to be the way they were, then boom! "Hy, I'm moving all my stuff out so you'll be left here with nothing but your chopping board, you laptop, and your stupid fucking lamp. Byeee!"

And that was the reality of it. I owned nothing, my bare existence is the only thing that's concrete around here. Oh! and thirty-seven books, which I could probably turn into a make-shift bed.

It's my mum's birthday this coming tuesday too, and in the next four days, I have to come up with a bar fridge, an aero bed, and a plate or two just so I'd have something to use while I still live here for the next month. 

Mum offered me to live at her place while I'm sorting my shit out, I said no. As easy as it may sound, I wouldn't wanna give up what I worked hard on, this. 

this apparent independence

In less than a month I have to come up with at least enough bond to put down on a future home, apartment, share house. In less than a month, I have to sort my shit out.

Why flood myself with so many things to juggle with you might ask? I don't know. Maybe the more I have on my desk, the lesser time I'd have to think about other things, depression is one thing that I wouldn't let creep in at me again. I can still remember that dark place that I've been in two years ago. It was scary, it was the only time in my life where I couldn't feel hope, that waking up the next day was worth it, that getting off bed would lead me to something like this.

I guess that's why I don't want to move back with my mum again. It all started there, and coming back there again would only remind me of the pain that i had to go through living with them. They didn't know that I was going through counselling everyday the last three months of high school, but they know I wasn't happy.

Mum gave me the talk a month before I finished high-school, saying, "I know you're not happy here, so as soon as you finish high-school, we'll let you move out. If you think that'll make you happy."

At twenty, I'd like to think I'm doing okay. I've worked hard to get myself to where I am now and I'm not backing down. The future may seem like a blur right now, but I'm sure I'll be fine. The future has always looked intimidating and sometimes, we just never learn until we push ourselves in there. no one else, but us can put us to where we need to get to.

I have my mum right behind me just in case shit doesn't turn out the way you want them to be, (which is always how it is,) let's just hope for the best for this one, 'cause if it's not okay, it's not the end.

on living in an empty house

Aaron has left. I could not feel his presence anymore. He left four pairs of underwear, a shirt, and a couple pair of jeans. He's probably more likely to pick it up while I'm at work. 

The last three weeks has been like living in hell for the both of us. The rising temperature, and now the apparent thirty-nine degree weather is just making it worse. The heat took the best of us, and a couple of days ago, I broke down. I dragged everything out of the cupboard, everything off the shelves, all my books, everything, on the floor. My house, our house, our home turned into us.

I ended up falling asleep on his couch out of exhaustion, when I woke up, half of his furniture was gone. He was gone. I was alone.

Now, sitting on this empty house, I've come to compare how the state of one's house reflects one's being.

I've always had this nagging in me to constantly clean our house back then, every week, I'd clean it up, and every week, it'd go to shit. I was so desperate to keep things clean, keep things clear.

Even though deep inside, I knew that all our baggages was kept in our cupboards and it was bound to come out at some point. No matter how hard I tried to keep everything, to throw every random piece I see back in our closet, it only made me realise how looking good externally doesn't mean shit once you realise that in every cabinet,.....every nook and cranny you have in this house has garbage lying around it, inside it, all over it,....somewhere.

I can't help but miss having him around here. His dirty underwear on the bathroom floor, his running shoes on my shoe rack, his snoring.

There were those things that made me sure that he was still around, his presence has always given me warmth - despite knowing both of our impeding doom - we tried to keep it intact. People, need people, and that is a fact.

I do miss him, but this, him leaving, me going is best for the both of us.

We're keeping ourselves from meeting the right person.

If there's one big thing that I've learned from this almost two year relationship we had, it's to always listen to your intuition, your gut feeling, that wrenching, pulling feeling you feel deep down inside you when you know something's wrong, something's not going to work out.

A couple days ago, was also our year and eleventh month together. I guess that's where our story officially ended.
--

On a regular external note, I got myself into personal training and this is kind of my first week after one. Nothing has changed yet but hopefully, in about a week or two you'll see more of a change.

I'll get there. Sucks I got the flu :( Hope I get better soon

The house is cleaner now too. My clothes are still on the floor and I'll deal with it when I can. Right now, it's just all about cleaning what's more important than this old crummy house, me.