embracing my inner slut

Slut (n.) s a term applied to an individual who is considered to have loose sexual morals or who is sexually promiscuous.

My morality when it comes to sex has always, as Samantha would say in Sex & the City, "Trysexual, I'll try anything once." Though I haven't really done a lot yet aside from voyeurism, playing with toys, a failed attempt at water-sports, flip-flop sex, creampies (with my exes), balls-worshipping (?), rimming, jockstraps, massage, exhibitionism and threesomes. In retrospect, as much as I'd like to think that I've done a lot of things, I haven't. I'm like an amateur. A cocoon in a world filled with butterflies.

(How gay was that last statement? AMIRIGHT?)

Having been in an almost two-year relationship made me realise a lot of things when it came to my sexuality. There can only be so much that I could try and experiment with with some people, and some of them may not be as open to trying things out as I would. Like I said before, I wouldn't mind giving a threesome with another guy and a girl a go. I'd like to give S&M, like, legit S&M a go too, bondage, leather, felching, role playing, glory holes, among other things. 

I'm not exactly too sure what else is out there but I'm sure there are. 

Bruce Nauman, 'Punch and Judy II Birth & Life & Sex & Death, 1985.

Before all this, a part of me felt really bad about the idea of sleeping around. Aside from the stigma connected to it, there's also the idea of a closeted society to mask its urges and fantasies. I don't want to be a part of that, I want to be somebody whose proud and is able to explore the rather intimidating, sometimes frustrating, but altogether fun world of sex. See, this is why books like 'Fifty Shades of Grey' was such a big boom! There's a lot of 'sick' people out there, and it only affirms the reality of it all. 

So if you think you're at the same page as me, listen to yourself, listen to your dharma and don't let society dictate how you should be and what you should be in life. Make your own map, draw your own kamasutra. Our ignorance only build walls to acceptance and understanding.

I guess this is what life is all about. To give everything that you fancy, a go. Unless it's crystal meth, 'cause that shit fucks you up. 

p.s. OH! and safe sex people, use your goddamn condoms for christ's sake. 'cause nobody likes sleeping with somebody with herpes. 

NO TO ASIANS

you've seen it before, sometimes in bold, sometimes, placed on a different space, apart from what they like, what they're into, and who they would wanna be with. it's always been the same;

NO POS, NO FATTIES, NO ASIANS.

my frustration, to be seen on the same line as somebody whose HIV-Positive, to somebody extremely obese, and to something that is who i am, is looked at the same degree is just ridiculous. as if i had the choice to be olive-skinned and chinky-eyed, and most probably not have that big waddling penis that you'd be hoping ramming you up the ass or riding your tight but painful lips.

what the fuck is wrong with these people?

we all have our preferences, and yes, to each his own, but to completely say no to one thing, just proves how ignorant one can be in this god-awful shallow world we live in. there are hot asian guys out there, and not all may seem to fit the bill, but there are, in all races, somebody i'm sure that would do it for you. but no, you refuse to put up with us, because  of what  renaissance artists have always seen as beautiful back in the middle ages has always been stuck in your head. the greek gods, the chiseled-jaw, the curly auburn  locks matched with six-packed abs, an overly-sized unnatural i-don't-go-to-the-gym-but-my-muscles-are-big-'cause-i-just-do look, and a very, very, average sized penis (which is somewhere in between 5.6" to 7" just in case you're wondering).

i guess this is where the idea of people wanting to look white started from, how having that sharp nose, thin lips, and apparently, according to a 19th century German Anthropologist Johan Friederich, caucasians are the most symmetrical, correct and best looking people on the planet.

it's sad. it's sad to be in a place where you're considered to be a minority within a minority.

putting myself down because of this is pointless, to feel bad, to pity over oneself is what i think one the most ridiculous thing one could do. i guess this is where my i-wanna-look-hot urges came from,  i wanted to prove these racists wrong, that even though in general, not a lot of men would prefer asian men, unless of course they're extremely fat, geriatric, dying, and sometimes blind, that anybody could be attractive.

until you wither and die of course.

in retrospect, i've realised how i'm in constant battle with myself, how my principles would go against my actions. that despite expressing my utter abhorrence to the shallow quality of the world we live in, i  would still endlessly spend at least four-hundred dollars every three weeks on facials, skin ointments, dermatologists check-ups, gym, protein-shakes, and bespoke haircuts.

my ex even told me that i'm the most high-maintenance person he's ever met. & i consider that as a compliment.

Mr. Schuhlmann or the Man in the High Castle, 80 x 100cm, 2009

by Matthieu Lavanchy

---

i don't like giving in  to rice-queens because I know that they only want me because I'm asian. I wanna be liked for who I am, not what I am on the outside. and yet, i do this.

----

this is one of the few constant arguments that i have to deal with with myself everyday, and its exhausting. i wish i could just shut it all out. maybe one day it will.

blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah.

but yes, we tend to get lucky sometimes with our men by the way, so hope is still there.

to fluidity and how fucked up it is

I've been with women before. I think most of us would have had the same experience---

High-school, you only had straight men as friends and some that are still at that confused-repressive state. You were surrounded by men who were very masculine, you weren't, but you have to prove your masculinity, you have to have sex with a woman so you could affirm to yourself that you're a man. You were happy with her, you loved her, but you knew deep inside, despite the fucking, despite the make-out sessions in her room while you sneak into her place at midnight, that you wanted something else. A man, a man's love, unrepressed love. 

In retrospect, now being with men, even though in most cases i just scan through a traffic of commuters and skip on every woman i see, i find it very alienating when i'd get to a point of actually being attracted to them. And it's not even at that point where the only reason you're checking her out is because she's wearing this Prada loafers that just came out last spring, but because you actually wanted to..do her. Yes, people! You like it so much that you wanna put your dick in it, and maybe a cock ring along as well?

Excuse the bad Single Ladies reference but I hope you understand where I'm coming from here. I don't think I could ever come to a point where I would have a relationship with one 'cause for one, i'm not a lesbian, but I'm finding it, now, that i'm slightly older, that i wouldn't mind being in a threesome. It has to be with two men and a girl though, I don't think my consciousness could handle a number of more than one exposed vagina around me, on me, you get my drift.

And even though I'm only twenty, I've come to realise how very fluid sexuality is, that most of the people I've met, mostly self proclaimed straight-men, would have a rather peculiar inclination to kissing other men and sometimes even getting head from them too. I know, hot. Thinking about this though has also made me realise how many friends of mine are women. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Eight, that's eight women compared to the countless men, and the sexually-curious and confused.

----------------

On an external note, this is how I'm going now after a month of working out again. I've been lazy. Too lazy that I've only been to the gym six times for the duration of the whole month. Sometimes, I really want to do more, and sometimes, I just don't want to stay too long at the gym because they're just too many muscly men around me. It's intimidating. Now I do my work-outs at quarter to midnight.

I wish I could do this as much as I want to as well.
Talk to you soon.