the baby dilemma

My ex decided to have a baby. No, it's not going to be with me, nor has it anything to do with me, but I came across this news when he called me on the phone this evening.

Amidst the reminiscing, the tears, and a bit of resentment on his part, we got over our differences after an hour of arguing over who fucked up the relationship, to him and his best-friend deciding on having a baby. 

His obese, trashy, lesbian best-friend. I know, I sound very judgmental. and yes, I probably don't have any say on this nor should any of my comments matter, but seriously-some people are just not meant to propagate. 

"Don't tell me you're going to fuck her?!"

"Oh god, no. That would never happen..we're planning on getting some artificial insemination done, it's about twenty grand..."

"Um..or you can just use a turkey-baster?..I saw them using it on this American show while we were still living together. Apparently, that shit works. Or you can always look up some shit on the internet. But seriously, why would you pay twenty grand just to get somebody knocked up. Hell, a bottle of wine and a box of beer should do the trick!"

I don't know..He told me his family and her family are all happy about it. But the gene pool, wouldn't exactly look to great having half of it coming from her part. I just never liked her. She's very badly-mannered, rather reckless, drinks a lot, smokes a lot, has bad teeth, doesn't exactly seem like the brightest bulb in the room, but I'm sure she's a sweet person (which is why she is my ex's best-friend for the last twelve years), 'cause of course, apparently that's enough reason to choose somebody as your...partner(?).

I just think he can do so much better with whom he can share his genes with. I mean, make a designer baby for christ's sake!

"I think it'll be great. The kid can have two mums, with her and Shae, and hopefully, two dads. Me and well, somebody."

"I suppose. I mean, that is the future. The modern family!"

He said they're planning on having it over the next couple of years. They're not on a rush and said they'll do it when the time is right..whenever that is. Not saying most of my thoughts out loud, and knowing how much of a complete cunt I'd sound like for saying half of the shit running through my head, I told him good luck.

"That doesn't sound very convincing, and I can sense a bit of cunty undertones to it too."

"And you've always known me so well, Aaron."

Though I honestly can't be any happier for him for knowing that he does have plans for his life. Not a drifter anymore, but now, a baby-maker! If only I could make babies, I'd be more than happy to have the child, that is of course if I get compensation.

"I'm sure we'll have a pretty baby if we'd make one."

"I'm sure it would be, but it'd be a bit crazy like you."

"Probably. But the pretty always overpowers the crazy. You know, who cares if you're crazy if you're drop-dead gorgeous! We could have one of those kids that look like that hot half-filo guy from Glee!"

"mmm, yea. It'd still be crazy though."

Our conversation lasted for more than an hour and a half, surprisingly, that was the longest conversation we've had over the last six months. How time flies...and how extremely cunty I could sound like over the people I care about...

on getting married

One of my good friends who met her partner the same time I met Aaron more than two years ago is getting married this year. I was invited, and so was this other guy I had an affair with whilst I was still with my boyfriend then.

I just found out this morning that the reason why he got invited too was because my friend's tattoo artist is my other guy's girlfriend. I know, small world. He told her about me and him a couple of months ago  when he found out that she was also having an affair with this other guy in Sydney whenever she has fly down for 'work'. I know, it's fucked up.

An affair and another affair. We both knew it was fucked in the first place. They've been going through couple counselling ever since. Why they would want to make the relationship work after all the drama? I do not know. I told him last night whilst we were on my way to my place from work that I'd punch him in the face if he ever gets her pregnant. "She's on the pills, we're fine." 

The last thing I saw of him was a grin on his face and a wave of goodbye as his four-wheel drive swerved from my drive-way. I sighed. If only I knew how to quit him. 

-

We should go out again some time soon, you know, let' do brunch. Nothing in the evening so she wouldn't think we'd be doing something suspicious, I said. I miss you, it's been months. It has been months, it's been almost half a year since I had a conversation with him.

 I can't, I'd want to as well but with things not settling down with me and her, I don't think it'd be right. He was looking out the window, we were both trying not to look at each other. You're right, I understand. It's incredibly selfish of me to ask this from you, and I know... Can you please tell her I'm sorry?

Don't stress about it, honestly, It's okay. 

Just please tell her that, I just don't like the idea of having anybody hold a grudge on me. It'd make me feel a lot better if you did. Please..

Okay, I'll tell her when I get home. Just don't stress about it, okay? It's all in the past.

He's been haunting me constantly in my dreams for the last two months now, and it's been the same recurring dream every night. Us kissing, me holding his fragile body, his hands wrapped around me, his long blonde hair caressing my pillow, his eyes..his eyes filled with liquid turquoise that I could just dive into any day. 

I've fallen in love with him and it still kills me everyday that he's still alive in my dreams after all this. Bob Marley once said that everybody's going to hurt you, you just need to find that somebody whose worth suffering for. I guess I've already found the morphine to my vaccine.