An Artist's Orgasm

Lint

2009-12-06T10:47:00.000+08:00

I've never believed in coincidence; like the lint left on my black poloshirt after leaving it on the floor (which I think is just the effect of sheer stupidity) , my extra condom tucked in between my IDs, and even the part where I had to go back to this Wicca store just to check if I did leave my smokes there. In a way, these things do contribute to how your day would be like, no matter how small it is.

Being in Malate again and inside the infamous BED bar, I've just realized that there are a lot of pros and cons to going to any bar at night. First, is that you don't need to put concealers on 'cause everyone is pretty much flawless with a little help from them flashing lights and random lazer streaks (which is a pretty much a BIG BIG plus for me). Two, almost anyone can get away with the "sorry-i-already-have-a-partner" line. Three, making out with a cute guy ain't inevitable. Four, you can dance like Napoleon Dynamite on heroin without anyone else giving a shit. And lastly, cute boys can evolve into snatchers in a flash!

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my mask. if you've seen any guy wearing this mask on-its probably me.

I got in BED relatively early again. In retrospect, I do always get there early-to the point that no one ever really has gone in yet-and there will always be these two guys coming in right after us, which by the way, dances good too. Coincidence? fuck no!

Luckily, I did get manage to bag one of the cute guys who looks like this crush of mine from school. I've thought, if having your crush getting in bed with you is impossible, the best way to go around it is by having sex with a guy that totally looks like him instead. Reasonable? Hell yeah!

Besides, he did study at Main which is pretty close to my school and he's not a hipon! YEAY!

The good thing about my recent gardener is that we weren't talking gibberish, and his lips-which I don't have any idea of knowing how he got it that way-was sweet. It wasn't lip balm, and it definitely wasn't candy neither.

Anyway, the usual happened, we made out like crazy by the corner withstanding random footsteps, the ear-deafening bass speakers around Bed and ashes falling above us. Later on, he introduced me to his best friend while being a sweetheart by giving me water to quench my thirst, and a whole lot of beer to keep me bouncing.

After the whole conundrum of us trying to get away from his friends 'cause they don't like him hooking up with younger boys than him, we've managed to get a cab to one of the apartelles near Gil Puyat. I haven't been to any motels or hotels for hooks-up 'cause I've always thought it were that embarrassing, but I guess you won't really care anymore if you're drunk and pretty much wasted. It all bites in the end anyway.

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So there we were, inside one of the rooms he rented for a day. With my body spreading across the bed as he was busy having his before-sex shower rituals, I ended up leaving my whole wardrobe on the floor after being forced to wash myself of nicotine and sweat. (Thats where the lint part gets in.)

With kisses and foreplay done with every tick of the clock, we've spent more than an hour on foreplay like rabbits having sex for the first time. Thank God for one-night-stands! I think, if it weren't for them boys you get into bed every now and then, you wouldn't be giving your soul mate the best sex out there, if you do believe on soul mates that is. If you don't, disregard this whole paragraph and move on with this post like nothing was ever mentioned about soul mates. Then again, they would still serve as training grounds for potential porn-stars and sex connoisseurs, no?

Suddenly, I had this epiphany that having a lot of buttsex would make your ass-crack bigger. I mean, wider. Well, it'd be over-rated to say that its an epiphany rather than common sense, but the whole fact that it never felt like someone was stabbing me with a knife in the back is far more than what I have expected. Finally, my fellow bottoms-someone has found my g-spot!

*shining glory from heaven showering down on me with weird angel voices*

So yeah, the whole part where I think my ass-crack is getting bigger is just pure blasphemy. It was just actually my sex expertise evolving to another level! WOOOOO!

Everything was all done and said in the end, with lint all over my polo shirt and the bystanders outside the apartelle giving us weird looks when we just got ourselves out, it all just boils down to this: me posting this early in the morning without sleep. yet.

True, broadcasting to the whole world how I attain righteousness with every hook-up executed may sound demeaning or something. Everyone will always have their perspective on this. I guess this is just my only way to vent out all these random thoughts spurting out of my brain on a usual basis. That's why this is a personal blog, right? Right.

Like old newspapers read and done,
this is where it ends, this is where it rests.

HAPPY GAY PRIDE TO EVERYONE!

Why I can't make more posts than usual

2009-11-23T03:38:00.001+08:00

I've been looking at my drafts and I managed to weed out 4 good unfinished blog posts from it. It just gets undone when something/someone surprisingly pops out of nowhere and apparently disrupts my spontaneously self-entertaining typing.

I guess the rest of the story usually dies off when its left undone or corrupted. I never made a post not done in one-sitting. Same reason why I always type in the morning (1Am to 3Am). I don't have time for composition, word-checking and thesaurus look-up just to make people say that I'm a good writer. Fuck that. As long as you can send your messages clear, it's all good with me. To those who can't send their messages right with that awful use of grandiose words & random American linggo in between just to show everyone that they actually know BIG words, now that's fucked up. To those who do have the effort and do multi-drafts for their blog posts, kudos to you!

I've been tagged by a friend to write 5 random things about me so I guess I'm doing that one tonight.

warning: some of them are tmi. not that you're not used to that but I just find it more formal to tell it to you before you start reading or skipping to the juicy part after reading this.

1. I've always known that my family knows I'm gay. It's just either their on denial or they just terribly have an awful gaydar to start with. While Mom's terribly okay with it except that awful part where she reminds me about safe sex every time we end each other's talk on the phone-I guess its just her way of fulfilling her parenthood. While some of the oldies around here are confused due to the fact that I do had a girl pregnant in my high school days, the only way of making them know I'm gay is by bringing a boy home & telling them he's my boyfriend or just start off with that 'out of the closet' speech that I've been getting ready for for a whole year now. Then again, I don't really need to tell them that I'm gay. I just want them to stop annoying me asking when I'll introduce my girlfriend to them. I want to hear the words ,"kailan mo naman ipapakilala ang boyfriend mo?" for a change.

2. I like being treated like one of the boys once in a while. Yes, the whole "lets just drink beer and watch basketball" thing guys do every upcoming big game-its the only time I can use my 'nothing box.' & yes, it is entertaining when you go ballistic every time the referee gives a bad foul on your team. We've always had that animalistic hetero-ness in us. Believe it or not, I can pass at a bar without being suspected being gay-I still enjoy flirting with complete female strangers but never to the point that I'd have sex with them-that is just plain gross!

you can roll your eyes if you have to.

3. One of my current goals is to learn how to dance like a go-go boy. So if you know anyone who could teach me, message me. I've always been amazed with their effortless boner-inducing moves that makes people stare. Not all of them may look good but who wouldn't want to have a pillow-sex fetish with those ugly but extremely hot ones? I'd still tap those shrimps even for a one night stand. Okay, not the shrimps but the really good-looking hot ones. I know that the awfully strong visayan accent would tend to be a turn-off sometimes but it doesn't really matter when his mouth is all wrapped tight with tape after finding out that he's into BDSM. Why the hell not? Growing up in the mountains doesn't necessarily mean they're mindless of fetishes and fantasies, you might even be surprised if they're the more adventurous one. Not that I should know this through experience or anything, its just fun being imaginative and not limiting your mind to the boundless things that could happen. Impossible is just a word with the prefix -im to it just to make it sound more challenging, its all possible in the end.

4. I can't be top. I've done it more than once and it gave me nothing but knee aches and arthritis-like attacks. I'd still say that doing girls is far more better than fucking guys. I just find it weird on how I don't get sensation with buttsex, and please, dick size is not the problem here 'cause I'm pretty much sure mine is above average. I just find it more fun being bottom. I don't find it degrading and I think people just really have to learn how to compromise. Eat your egos and just go with it, you might just learn that its actually more fun than pain.

5. My favorite position is the cowgirl. Though I call it the cowboy when I'm the one who's doing it. I just can't wait to see those people I know text me after getting horrible vivid nightmares after reading this one. I still look at tops as selfish bastards leaving you like some rubbish in bed after finishing their business with you. Well some of them are. And if there are any starting out tops reading this right now, don't worry-size doesn't matter-it's really how you use it that counts! As long as you can hit your partner's g-spot right or know basic prostate milking, its all good. They might even go for a round two if you still can.

Even though I still can't imagine how a 17 year-old kid would type this, I still had fun making myself laugh with the image of awkward replays of irony and orgasm all in just one sitting. I'm still ending this like how my mom and I would end it;

The real Christmas list.

2009-11-17T08:10:00.002+08:00

Now that my favorite holiday is near, I now show y'all my what-i-want-for-christmas-list-so-you-would-know-what-to-give-me-on-Christmas-day list. Christmas is the only season where I get unsolicited money and is treated like a princess. Same reason why I'm celebrating it this early.

Presenting.....

the what-i-want-for-christmas-list-so-
you-would-know-what-to-give-me-on-
Christmas-day LIST. [top 10]

1. an Australian Visa - I know, no one from here could get me this one. But If I get just one wish this Christmas, this would be it.

2. a Nikon D90 - It's a DSLR with an HD video-recorder! Now who wouldn't want to have this baby?

3. a legit Rayban wayfarer - I remember having a crush who used to wear this every time I see him buying coffee. and besides, these nerdy glasses would look great on my round face. [You, don't forget your promise! I've been happy like a bitch since you told me you'd buy this for me! OHMAHGAWD *hyperventilates* ]

4. a Macbook - it's artist-friendly and its colors doesn't change that often compared to Windows. Other than its sleek design and awesome functions, it rarely gets infected with worms & viruses too!

5. a Tablet - I've just realized how awesome the tablet is after digitally-painting while we were on class today. This is definitely a NEED for an artist like me.

6. 200 followers - Enough to help me start a cult. I'm going to conquer this fuckin' planet, bitches!

7. a fake ID - So I could legally get into bars and buy liquor & cigarettes. Though I know I could make one, I just don't have the time to make templates this coming month.

I already calculated how much they'll all cost me and it goes around a hundred and sixty thousand. So if every follower of mine gives me a check of one thousand each, assuming that they'll be 200 by mid-december *fingers-crossed*, this 6 wishes of mine wouldn't be THAT impossible anymore, right?

RIGHT.

and last, but certainly not the least (yes, i love cliches)

8. WORLD PEACE - dream on.

sunday morning

2009-11-16T13:18:00.000+08:00

i love you.

its time

2009-11-14T01:07:00.000+08:00

to fix everything, to make my world a better place, get my feet back to studying, say sorry to everyone I've ever fought with, and do things the right way. It's time to take control of this life; enough slacking, start working while having fun doing it.

It's time for me to feel like a kid again, I miss the feeling.

It's hard to stay sane with a world full of chaos. Being naive turns you into an ignoramus, an ass-kisser born to be a fool-why can't the World be a better place?

Why can't people stop at some point of their work and step back, get their worksuits off and think about the good memories of yesterday. There's no time to waste but there's a lot of time given to have fun. We can't help but feel bad. We don't want to get hurt but we are the one doing our problems ourselves. We act on things without really thinking of the consequences, we lie to people for the good, we keep secrets to ourselves that only brings discomfort.

We blame, we cry, we judge. We make people laughing stocks like some old joke and old socks. Good thing karma strikes back in a snap. I just want a good life and words won't stop me with my dreams, problems won't stop me. I just want to be honest to everyone for a change.

to my coffeebabies: thank you for being such great friends. Yj, i hope you stop at saying how much of a fraud i am 'cause i'm not-it just hurts to find people laugh at what i work hard for and compose each night. Nyl, for your non-stop criticism that makes you look so perfect. Victor, for understanding me with what I've been going through. I still love you babies 'cause you've always been my refuge.

Its hard to put up with you people when my self-esteem is always pulled down with the words you say. I just laugh about it but it hurts to have people say I'm ugly and looks 25++ I hope people would learn to look at themselves first before judging anyone. Why does everyone have to be bitchy?

to line of flight: i'm sorry if i haven't got any good replies to your comments. nosebleed lang talaga kasi. you're still the smartest guy i know evar!

to mr.scheez : for being my photo editor and awesome friend, you're one awesome kuya.

to ice, who never stops to make me happy. you're a miracle.

to all the bloggers that i've been bitchy with-i'm sorry.

to dats, whom I've always sarcastically commented at- you're one of the hottest guys out there-and you're just really awesome-i love your accent!

I guess being honest is still the best policy. Doesn't it feel so good to let it all out in just one post? I know it made me feel better, you should try it.

cheers for new beginnings

the catch

2009-11-12T01:39:00.001+08:00

"So what do you get from your course?"

a friend of mine asked me while having coffee with him last Tuesday.

"I get to do what I love."

"Seriously? Three years for that?"

"Nothing is wasted as long as I'm learning and having fun."

"Yeah. First year would teach you how to turn on the camera. Second will teach you how to aim it.."

I could've been a bitch and told him that this is the underlying reason why he's still a virgin at 20 besides his big fat ass, but I fought the idea of it and let karma do the talking... Besides, putting up with people who keeps on insulting my program is more than enough in one sitting. Whats even more frustrating is when your professor tries to teach you while she's just being a whiny bitch for half the whole time for her class.

Its hard to stay sane when you have 64 pictures more to shoot, 7 plates to paint, and one photo essay all due in just a week. To think that you're balancing these stuffs with your family, dinner, coffee and boyfriend. AND before I forget, I still have 7 more pictures to manipulate all due this Saturday.

I'd like to work and do what I'm supposed to be doing but that inspired push ain't in there yet.
So, while I procrastinate and stalk-i mean, check-people's tagged pictures on facebook. I found this really interesting piece, which obviously tells me that I'm going to hell (with all the other hot gay men out there. Yes papa P, you are coming with us.) YEAY!

I'd like to see her get struck by lightning or by a truck, but that plain grey hoodie she was wearing IS way too chic to waste. Even though she did wear fake-cheap braces and a fifty-a-piece glasses, that hoodie is still too precious. & I do hope I won't see them (homophobic faux pas) in hell.

Now this gets me back to the whole gay pride scene in this country. Though we all know that being gay isn't much supressed down here except to those unico hijos and mafia-ic chinese families-I don't get the reason why some of the people were wearing pretty eccentric clothes last gay pride.

Point is, we're trying to show everyone that we're just like everybody else in this country and we go there topless with angel wings and whatnot covering ourselves. & please-don't go sayin' like you don't know what normal is.

I guess the whole point of this post is to tell you how much I connect the most random things to past tenses and midnight dramas concerning sex. If there's one last thing I gotta say to you, its

BE READY.

great news!

2009-10-25T23:40:00.002+08:00

My laptop, which my mom gave me on my graduation day finally gave up on me. With every key of its board malfunctioning-I guess its time for it to rest. It does make me sad how the one I've spent a lot of heartaches and naughty times with has finally decided to leave me. Sigh. I feel like crying and getting all dramatic at the same time but I just can't be too emotional right now when I've got shitloads of assignments to do. *sigh*

If anyone out there would like to help me get my laptop's keyboard fixed,

please do.

Hiyang-hiya na akong humingi pa ng tulong sa
aking mga magulang na may mga iba
pang taong tinutulungan sa probinsya. sigh.

Malungkot isipan na kung ano lang ang bagay na talagang nagpapasaya sa akin dito ang siya pang nawala sa buhay ko. Mahal ko yun eh. Kasama ko siya sa pagtupad ng aking mga pangarap, kasama ko rin siya sa mga panahong umiiyak ako at nawawalan ng landas, tinuruan na rin niya ako ng mga bagay na wala akong kaalam-alam. Hay. . . .

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Back to reality:

Have you ever had that hes-the-one-feeling every time you see this guy around. You know, that gut-feeling everyone's been talking about. That time where you first saw him and felt like you've known him in ages? Yes! That!

Well, I had that feeling with this guy whom I've been really obsessed with. There's nothing really different from him with the normal people you see around town. But there's this unexplainable attraction that I get from him every time I see him. Damn those people who made fairy tales to corrupt young people's mind of happy endings!!!!!

I feel sad & hopeless with what's been happening around me. Last time I checked, I haven't done anything wrong to anyone nor made a fuss about something that I know that's wrong. How I dream of having someone to love & getting myself home with every tick of the clock.

I feel like a hollow barrel full of air but with no emotions to fill it. Cobwebs surrounding my thin wooden cover. Sigh.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I want a miracle.
I want a boyfriend
& I want my VISA!!!!!!

Yes, I'm pretty much emotional lately so bear with me. This will pass.

Home

2009-10-23T18:27:00.006+08:00

If I could go anywhere right now

I'd be with me mom & dad.

I miss having the thought of your parents looking after you. Or the part where you all talk at dinner with the smell of burnt steak and sweetcorn on the sidings. I miss having my mom cook me breakfast and kiss me everytime I leave the house & greet her goodnight.

I want to watch Mom fix the garden while Dad's busy cleaning his car. To walk around town all by myself knowing that there are people I love at home. To see the bright morning sun refracting on my window without the thought of loneliness & riot.

I'll do anything for that feeling right now. The peaceful thought of being around those people you love. That family that I didnt have for all these years, that normal structure everyone else has- I want it.

I'd leave everything I have for that sweet scent of love.

If God could ever hear me right now, I
want my visa done soon so I could be where Im supposed to be-

home.

I think, therefore Im sexy

2009-10-19T01:49:00.000+08:00

I always had this mindset that how a person expresses himself in writing pertains to how good he looks in person. That all the words he or she uses is directly proportional to his face structure and anatomy BUT accompanied with minor discrepancies.

Sabi nga nila, nobody has everything. You may be the richest, smartest, hottest man on earth-but you will always have a flaw. Will it be bad breath in the morning, or your penis is too small for reproduction. This always got me thinking how it feels like to live in a male supermodel's body for a day. The glamour, the nicotine, and the endless flow of alcohol down your throat. Amazing how they keep up with that good shape of anorexia.

One thing I definitely learned this week is that you shouldn't take those pictures on billboards for granted. No matter how ridiculous & shallow the concept is, lighting models/subjects is no easy shit!

From finding a good angle, model & concept. Imagine how time is located on your left side of the brain while the creative side resides on the right. Its completely two different concept done together. Fixing the lights to a right angle, telling what to do & focusing the lens was exhausting. To think that my 3 hours work got cut down to 2 after finding out that they usually end the borrowing time of equipments by 4 PM.

In the end, it was all fun & worth it to see myself improving from this line of photography. It may not be my usual macro & abstract shots- I just need to practice more on it while I try & grasp the whole idea of poses, make-up & light. I want to learn on how to apply make-up, place my strobes right, control my model with the right poses & minimize the use of any photo-manipulating software as much as possible.

Though it may be hard & exhausting doing all of this. It all payed off c'ause we knew we're having fun doing it. It didn't matter whether we got some awesome shots to fill our facebook up or anything but what's important is that we had fun doing it.

besides, LIFE IS ALL ABOUT HAVING FUN.

reaching this dream, one step at a time

Lukayo

2009-10-16T20:39:00.003+08:00

Hy.. Hello!. .Pwede makisindi? . . Hy. .

Paulit-ulit. Nakakasawa. Nakakasuka. Nakaka-awa. Sa tapat ng salamin, mga linyang di na matapos-tapos sa kakaulit. Sa bawat minutong binibitawan, tibok ng puso'y lumalayo-munting hiling bumabaon.

Mga matang hindi na matapos-tapos sa kakatitig, mga salitang binubulong sa hangin-dinadasal na marinig, pinagbibigyan ang munting hiling. Sa bawat gabing pumapatak, sa bawat araw na bumubusilak-ikaw ang nasa isip, droga ng aking pusong unti-unting kinahuhumalingan. Nakakasakal. Nakakamatay. Nakakasikip ng dibdib.

Sa bawat hugot ng lakas, sa bawat salitang binibitawan-nawawala sa hangin ang pag-ibig. Lumalabas na parang luha sa munting bibig, paghihinagpis na kinikimkim-tama na sa pangangarap, tama na sa paghihintay. Nakakalungkot.

Dinasal sa bawat araw sa diyos na hindi pinaniniwalan. Parang bulag na nakaharap sa salamin, araw-araw minamasdan ang walang saysay na paningin. Umasa na, pinaasa pa. Hinagpis na hatid sa bawat sandali.

Ikaw na minamahal, pinagmamasdan sa bawat sandali. Pinalangin sa bawat bituing dumarating. Kailan kaya ako pakikinggan, sino akong pakikinggan. Ngiti na hatid ng iyong mga mata, tama na sa pagpapantasya, tama na. . .

A need for improvement.

2009-10-16T01:52:00.001+08:00

I was surprised by what my professor told me when I had him criticize all our works in terms of composition this afternoon.

"The thing about photography is that you don't just convey emotions but you also need to have a strong composition."

He taught us to imagine everything in its raw form. That what you see in an image is all but lines, an optical illusion is what makes it look big, round, far, rough, or thin. Trees are not trees, and humans aren't humans. They're all but shapes and lines made to look like what they're supposed to be based on our visual memory.

I know that art ain't really that technical, but I guess learning a few tricks from the PROs would help us improve our own style. Art is subjective, you don't need formal education to be good at it-what I just want from this program is that I'll be graduating with a degree. That will always be an advancement to all my other competitors. I guess.

Cheesy na kung cheesy, but I almost cried when we were watching a video about this famous photojournalist from the early 1800s. To know that people lived their life by doing what they love gave me inspiration into pursuing this dream. What more can we do but to do what we love doing.

I've watched this short from National Geographic as they calculated how much time a normal person gives off by sleeping, watching tv, going and getting stuck on traffic and then it leaves us 1/5th of our life to live. Think again.

Provocative eh?

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Xmas Wishlist

I'll be posting seventeen wishes 'cause thats how young I am :D

1. Nikon D90 - I want a new DLSR with video on it. XD

2. Money for clothes - 'cause I always ran out of clothes. Cons to having no uniform.

3. Get my face acne-free - 'cause looking flawless is a plus

4. Boyfriend - because I can.

5. 200 Followers - 200 sounds cool.

6. Free bus ride to my hometown - I dont want to waste money on fare.

7. Get my visa approved by the Aussie Embassy - well, duh.

8. Get either Emer, Tyler, Miguel or my Crushie in bed - which is plausible.

9. Be good in photography - *read first part of the post*

10. Mom & Dad coming home for Xmas.

11. a Wayfarer - I look kawaii on it.

12. a One-night-stand with my HS bestfriend - *fingers crossed*

13. an average of 3.5 - to make my momma proud

14. learn tarot cards - cause I can.

15. Get awesome stuffs from my friends - it makes me feel special :-p

16. Have crushie as my boyfriend

17. & World peace - etchos!

Confession.

2009-10-12T22:23:00.002+08:00

Wala pa akong naging boyfriend na hindi ko unang nakilala sa Internet.

I know, I suck. The internet maybe one big revolution for everyone but it still has its flaws. It maybe perfect for you, but It won't be for everyone else. Like everything made by science, it only makes up as a solution to 1/4 of the total damage it has made. Everything has a catch.

I guess its just my defense-mechanism for rejection. Its that trauma I've faced when I was thirteen- with a guy whom I thought would like me back. I was fat and short back then and he was already around eighteen.
Bata pa lang, matanda na talaga hanap e no?

After meeting me, he left without looking back & I didn't know what else to do but to go home. I felt like the ugliest person on earth that day. I felt so ugly that I didn't even talk nor eat much for a month. I grew thin, slowly and maturely-I looked better than before because of that rejection.

But then on, I've been always afraid to ask a guy out in-person. I have used the internet as a medium to communicate. Without it, I wouldn't be having dates with anyone. I wouldn't be making boyfriends neither.

I'm one big coward. Behind this facade of bitchiness, I'm one weak man afraid of rejection.

Once or twice

2009-10-11T11:42:00.000+08:00

My life is mostly composed of logical pseudo-explanations, mythical creatures, hopeless romantic happy endings & art. Though a huge part of this mambo jumbo just all started from the television, a huge line still disconnects my dreams from the surreal.

I've been obsessed over this guy from school for over a term now and unfortunately, my cravings are finally taking its toll on me. The sleepless nights, random anxiety, what-if hypothesissss, tarot card readings, daydreaming-you name it! I've been in all of them just for this guy.

If you've been reading my blog for more than 6 months now, you would've known about my past pseudo-soulmate whom I accidentally crashed into last school year. Well, since then on-after failing to talk to him after a huge earthquake that only struck our school-I promised myself to talk to the guy whom I will next get my eyes into.

Its really hard to explain what kind of feeling I get from this guy every time I see him. Its nowhere near the point of seeing my usual crushes or having a hot stranger walk pass me, this is beyond that point. Though he may not be everyone's normal prince charming, I wouldn't think twice of saying yes the first time he'll ask me out on a date.

You see, there's this unspoken mutual thing between us. Even if we don't know each other's name, address, cell phone number, school, & Id number-I still know deep in me that we both like each other a lot. Unfortunately, that’s just me. You know how far my mind goes when you talk about imagination & fantasies.

Its been crazy this week. I haven’t seen him once from our usual tambayan. Though one of my close friends managed to see him at High Street last Friday with some friends or something, I still can’t help it but dream about him talking to me someday. Ridiculous, but I do have a love-hate relationship with him. Despite the invisible connection.

"If he likes you, he should've talked to you already. You know how aggressive our generation is." a friend told me while chatting with him on YM.

"but what if hes still in the closet. maybe hes just protecting himself"

I was trying to blind myself with all the probability. Love isn't blind but the eyes make it so. What more could I do but to stare at him every afternoon and imagine all the things we could've done together. But I need to move on & be sane again. I have ran from the front gate to the back just to see him, I have stayed all night long at the library reading books just to catch him walking by the streets later than evening. I just hope he knows I like him-enough to break the spell, enough to make me smile.

It hurts to say goodbye to him when I know thta there's a chance between us. But I told you, there's always a big line between the possible to the impossible. Its the reality of life, the only thing that makes us jump back to the ground when were too high in our dreams-that wanting something doesnt make it to reality. The secret is true, but now-I must let go and say goobye to my love like the hollow windmill's woe.

Burning out

2009-10-08T02:23:00.000+08:00

I know that Ive said this a lot already but seriously, you can't just please everyone. Being an artist, getting your eyes stuck on our work is a must. Who else do we get our inspiration from if it weren't from all of you. But then, getting people say awful things about us, especially our work is inevitable.

I've cried 'bout failure a thousand of times already,
but it helped me to be a better person.

Sometimes, despite the effort, despite how much you've given-getting all your work splattered all over your face is probable. I've already gone through it-A LOT-than usual, and I can't wait to hear more of it coming as I make my way through museum after museum.

Thing is, nobody would really care if you've gone through -360 degrees of apeshit just to get your award-winning shot! What's important is that you were able to present a stunning & most definitely, effective shot. Fuck those purists who says using photoshop on your photos doesn't make it art anymore. Through photoshop, people from around the world are able to express their ideas more vividly.

It may be amazing for someone to compose and set a correct exposure to one given shot, but neglecting those programs for your own sake is just pure stupidity. I know that getting all dependent with these softwares is bad, but using them in times of need is reasonable. Same goes with those rich bastards who only know things like bragging all their expensive cameras infront of you.

But more importantly, getting yourself back in your own shoes is whats important. Fuck what other people say about your work. You should be proud of it 'cause you made it. Like what my cousin once told me, be proud of anything you make. Whatever it is, will it be a post-a message, a love letter, a poem, a card, or even a box. Be proud of it! Its not like everyone in the world is currently making a box of their own right now. Chances are, someone is-but still! You get my point here, right?

I've heard everything from:

- youre fat, I dont want to see you anymore.
- youre ugly, we cant be friends.
- your style is usual, nothing special. Youre just like all the trying-hard photographers out there.

I'd be lying If i said that It did'nt hurt when those words pierced through me. But they helped me a lot to improving to who I am now and to who I will be in the future. Just learn to make those negative vibes into motivation and you'll know what I mean.

& just a day ago, I went to our libraby with one of my friends & took a shot of her standing behind the window. This shot officially makes it as my first glamour shot evar. I've already had a handful of people saying shit about it but it's okay-as long as I had fun with working on it & that I'm happy with the output. and yes, this is my first step to my track as a fashion photographer.

Your happiness is whats important, remember? Getting people's compliments are just extras to how much good you are. Will it be good or bad, just always steer the bad sides on the good side and it'll all be good in no time.

Thanking everyone for the support,
for giving me inspiration & for helping me go for my dream.
I love you.

Where else do I get this motivation power from if it werent for you people <3>

Bulong

2009-10-06T03:24:00.000+08:00

"Nangangamote ka na, may problema ka ba Justin?" sabi ni Miguel sa kanyang kaibigang nakatulala sa hangin.

"Wala. Ramdam ko kasi para akong wala."

"Wala? Anong wala. . .Importante ka sa amin nina Adrian at Robert. Ano nanaman tong problema mo na para ka nanamang tanga diyan na nakatunganga lamang?"

"Hindi ko na kasi alam ang aking paniniwalaan, gagawin, lalakabayin. Para akong nawawalang tupa. Para akong naiwan na pahina sa hulihan ng libro-walang laman, walang silbi, walang kaalam-alam."

Nagising si Robert sa katotohanang may mga bagay sa mundo na hindi kayang intindihin ng ating mga makikitid na utak. Talino mo ma'y mas matalino pa sa henyo, hindi lahat ng kasagutan alam mo. Hindi lahat ng kadahilanan kaya mong sagutin. Ano ka pa nga ba kundi tao lang na tulad ng iba.

Malamang nawala ka na rin sa landas, sino ba naman kasi ang hindi. Tanga ka nalang kung palagi ka nalang nakikinig sa kung ano ang sinasabi sayo. Hindi ka tupa, hayop, o alaga na sunud-sunuran lamang. Minsan, kailangan mo ding magrebelde para matuto. Minsan, kailangan mo ring humiwalay para matuto. Malaman na hindi lang iisa ang daan patungo sa karoroonan.

Nabulag ka na ba? Nahilo? Nagpaikot-ikot na parang tanga sa sariling landas sa napakahabang panahon? Hindi ba nakakangawit at nakakainis? Pero napapawi rin lahat yan sa sandaling alam mo na ulit ang iyong tatahaking landas. Hindi mo man siya mahanap agad. Inabot ka man ng pagkarami-raming taon-ang importante, narating mo ang iyong pupuntahan.

Akala mo rin naman minsan, gamay mo na ang buong mundo sa iyong sariling maliliit na kamay. Magugulat ka nalang ng bigla-bigla mo naang nakikita mo na nahuhulog na ang mga butil ng luha mula sa mundo mong kay tagal nang inilusyong binuhat. Pwede pa sana kung nagkamali ka na, pero katangahan na ang dahilan kung paulit-ulit mo pa 'tong ginagawa.

Bawat isa sa mga bituing iyong tinitingala, kaya mo silang abutin lahat. Kaya mo silang ipagmayabang sa lahat at sabihing inabot mo sila kahit gaano man sila kalayo mula sa iyong tinatapakan. Kailangan nga lang matuto kang alamin kung ano dapat ang unahin at hulihin. Minsan kasi, atat ka rin. Masyadong atat sa dahilan na gusto mo na agad matikman ang matamis na tagumpay. Na ni hirap hindi mo na naranasana. Na ang tagumpay mong matagal nang inaasam ay mawawala rin ng kusa dahil ang daan patungo sa pagkamit dito ay nilagpasanan mo na ng walang tinginan.

Maraming nagtatanong, maraming naghahanap. Ano nga ba ang sagot sa buhay na pagkakomplikado at hirap. Kayamanan ba ang kasagutan dito? Ang pagtulong ba sa kapwa ang susi? Ginawa ko na ito lahat. Pero ano? Nasan na ang mataginting na tagumpay na aking hinahanap.

Bakit nga ba ganun ang tao. Palagi nalang humihingi ng kapalit o premyo. Hindi na ba pwedeng gawin mo nalang ito dahil gusto mo. Na ginagawa mo ito dahil gusto mong magpasaya ng ibang tao. Hindi nga ba't yun naman talaga ang dahilan upang tayo'y sumaya? Na makitang napapasaya natin ang ibang tao dahil sa mga simpleng bagay lamang.

Yun lang naman talaga ang importante eh. Ang masaya ka sa kung ano ang meron at sa kung ano ka. Pano na nga lang kung ito ang ibinigay na landas sa iyo kung hindi ka naman masaya? Magpapakatanga ka parin ba at makikinig? O hahanap ng ibang lakaran na alam mong ikasasaya mo. Ganun lang naman kasimple ang buhay eh. Na sa bawat landas na pwede mong tahakin, nasa sayo na kung ano ang pakikinggan mo.

Wala nang dahilan para makipag-away pa. Ang maganda, masaya ka sa kung ano ang iyong nilalakaran. Bundok man siya o dagat, kweba man siya o simpleng bukid lamang-ang importante, masaya ka.

Isipin mo nalang, ano nga ba ang masimportante- ang malamang maisasalba ka sa dahilang hindi mo naman nasangayunan. O ang mabuhay ka ng todo-todo ayun sa iyong kagustuhan na nagdulot ng iyong sariling kasiyahan. Magising ka sa katotohanan. Na walang tama o mali, na walang kaliwa at kanan. Na isa lang ang sagot sa lahat, at ito ay ang

MAGPAKASAYA KA.

Autumn prayer

2009-10-03T15:24:00.002+08:00

*please do not copy without asking for permission*

I wouldn't assume nor make the first move into telling you how much I like you. I'm happy with how things are. Seeing you every other afternoon with your friends while I stood three to four meters away from you with our eyes talking & our months shut tight is enough to make my day.

But every single day it would not miss. That our eyes would always talk & our mouths would always kiss the same air. I love the way you smile & talk. How I wish I'd be that cigarette tuck in between your lips just to know how soft they are. Like rose petals and autumn breeze, I wish there'd be a time where you'll talk to me. To borrow a light or to simply ask my name.

I feel ambitious with every tick of the clock & roll of the film inside my head. I would even think about you before my sleep just to make sure you'd be there in my dreams. I would always dream about the day where you would ask my name and flirt with me. Kissing you is enough, having a taste of you is beyond what I wished for.

Actually, sex is way down the list if you have to know. Just the thought of you loving someone like me is enough to make me happy this year. Enough to heal all the burden & grief I keep. Enough to make me smile in the end of the day. Enough to make me realize that dreams do come true. Enough.

I've had this same thing happening to me a year ago. With a guy I felt gaga with for months. For someone whom I thought I'd never meet again.

I don't want to blame myself for being single in*counts fingers* _______ months now. I try and ask if there's something wrong with or is there a problem with how I act, look, or smile. I even saw this two literally crazy couple walking behind our school with their hands locked.

O'KAMON! Kung tipong yung mga may sayad pa sa utak ay may kayang magkakilala at magmamahalan ako pa kayang matino walang mahanap-hanap. Nakakainis, nakakairita, nakakainggit. Putangina. Hindi naman ako kulang sa pagmamahal, pero kailangan ko lang ng taong nakakausap, nakakasama, nakakangitian, kasama pagkain, yung may naiisip kang taong alam mong andiyan parati kahit malayo man siya. Na may taong iniisip ka gabi-gabi. Nakakamiss, nakakapagpasaya, nakakabanas.

I do try and be optismistic with how things are despite being *loveless*. Besides, I'm studying right now & what I should be focusing on should be my studies. Love may come and I wouldn't mind entertaining any proposals. I just hope that somewhere out there is my soulmate, smiling and safe while I type here with the storm breaking lose like armageddon.

For now, I'll stay as this leaf. Wet in the cold air as I sing my autumn prayer

*again, do not copy without asking for persmission*

sick & bright

2009-10-02T06:52:00.000+08:00

[sic]"i hope we end in 2012, para at least i'm alive in the humanity's last living generation... cool siguro matamaan ang earth ng meteor"[sic]

my reply was: adik ka ba? i want to work pa, have a family etc. I wouldnt mind if you were the only one who'll go. what you just said is just ridiculous & selfish. *fingers snap*

an FB friend posted this on his wall some time this evening and I can't help it but be pissed with what he said. Seriously? Cool?? Bitch, if hoping about the end of the world and being the last generation in the world COOL, I guess getting your self hit by a fucking 4X4 would be cool too!

I guess seeing the last living asshole in the world die would be cool. I know how some people can get so fucked up with the whole world ending and all that shit, but with whats happening now-anything is possible to happen.

Okay. Maybe this is just me getting paranoid with all thats been happening to our world right now, but who can't help it? The red dust in Australia, Greenland literally turning to green, flash floods all over Metro Manila with a new super typhoon coming ahead, and countless tsunamis all over the Pacific.

This is like mother nature bitch-slapping everyone for not taking care of their own crib. I hope this will serve as a lesson for everyone to pick up their own trash and to refrain from throwing away random stuffs like bubble-gum wrappers, cigaretter butts, used condoms, tissue papers & plastig bags on the streets & even at home.

******************************************************

On a brighter note, I finally had my papers filed for the embassy today. And hopefully, 4-6 months by now-Imma be chillin' with ma boyz down under. LOL

I guess prayers do come true at some point and the one who's looking over all of us is actually listening. But still, I may not be an atheist anymore but I still remain agnostic for a lot of reasons.

I find it selfish for other people to only consider themselves listened to by this god while some people are just dying off like ticks & ants somewhere in this world. I know that these things are beyond comprehension like tarot cards & magic but in times of desperation, you always tend to have this habit of praying to something.

Believing the old alchemist with what he said about following your dreams, when you really want something-the whole universe will conspire for you to achieve it. I guess that one works, but the concept of someone or something intervening into our own lives despite the idea of "free will," may sound a little ridiculous.

We all have a choice

Our future is out of our control, but we have total control of what may happen to our lives. What I mean of our Future for example would be your death. You can always make a way to make your life live longer but you can't escape the fact of facing death head-on. Among other things like getting sick, graduating, getting work, earning money, and having a family- everyone has the chance to have all of these but its always in your control if you even want to achieve it in the first place.

It'd ridiculous if someone would just waste their time dreaming about stuffs they'd like to have without the concept of actually doing certain things to achieve it.

I suddenly remembered this one time when my niece asked me how I learned to draw. I told her it just happens that I love doodling random things when I was a kid and it just evolved from simple stick figues to pseudo-3d images with random objects in between. Then she told me, "I guess I don't have the gift then, huh?"

Anyone can learn anything they want to learn but the amount of determination & energy you're willing to spend in what you're doing counts a lot to how much progress you'll make in the future. But there will always be those people who'll be suprisingly good the first time they'll do it. Like art, some people are just born with it.

Fuck those people who thinks art is just acquired. I've known dozens of people who studied photography, bought expensive equipments, & had the best camera in the field but still get the crappiest shots despite the awesomeness of their equipment. Thing is, it may be applicable for some people-but people should always remember that the camera is just our tool. The person controlling the camera is the artist. It doesn't matter what camera youre using or how many megapixels your camera has-what matters is how sensitive your eyes are to detail, color & imagination.

I have this cousin who's blaming her mom for not giving her all the support she needed for "IMPROVING" her skills when she was a kid. I can't help it but be a bitch and tell her "If you don't have it, move on & find something you're good at." Don't go blaming other people why you can't sing as good as Mariah or if you can't paint as good as Michaelangelo.

We all have our gift, we just have to learn to find it. Point is, if my cousin was really that into drawing or whatever she's into-she would find a way to get it. I didn't had the money to buy a DSLR but I forced my way into getting mom say yes to buying me one because I showed her how much I'm dying to have one.

I guess this post is taking too long already. But I guess I got all my points out for y'all to read. Though some of you people should already know these things by now, considering the fact that most of my readers are obviously older than me [source: survey], its my blog anyway. So I can post anything I want. right?

a doodle drawn & colored by Me.

Dedicated to all the rainbow and unicorn lovers out there.

stuttering

2009-09-21T14:43:00.000+08:00

Two weeks ago, for no particular reason, I went up to the building next door to borrow some art books. I can just imagine myself sitting by that same place again where I had my feet up while reading lighting & poses. The metro's lights reflected back to my window while I skip from one chapter to another. With every second passing by so smoothly the bell soon rang-calling everybody's soul it touched and calming the nerves of those people who barely made contact.

I felt like a damsel in distress.
Waiting for his prince charming to come and rescue him.

I felt indifferent with the usual routine. The way I fixed my hair out & the way I puff & sip my cigarette bear no significance to my upcoming plans for the night: home. I felt like a pendulum, with no where to go but to swing and fro. The stars has spoken that night, like Christmas lights on mid September with cold air sparkling each colored bulb, you will have a proposal. A proposal, a proposal, a proposal.

My cheeks were left red from the touch of blue alcohol a few hours ago, my eyes slowly turned red with each tick of the clock and my feet, shook from left to right from the cold while I hear that annoying tune from the elevator again. I have dreamt about this prince charming for more than a term now. By the way we first saw each other to the unexpected moments we had together, its all but a conspiracy done by the universe.

Ridiculous as it may seem, I would always get this weird "high" whenever he's around me. It's like he has this weird magnetic pulsing radiotor that I don't quite understand that affects me a lot. I grow speechless and dumb whenever he's around me. I feel like a wall flower, a useless beautiful flower stuck in one's wall-forever to rot in time like a moss to a stone.

The heavens suddenly cried from my wake. As I opened my eyes from the gravity pulling me gently down from the ground, I felt the wind swoosh around me as I click the two arrows opening the door, finally i'm out. I have talked to things that are beyond human comprehension, things that seems so surreal and yet so real at the same time. I know, it doesn't make sense.

I got down the busy streets with pedicabs, bikes, jeeps and whatnot. The tears pouring down from the clouds suddenly grew smaller, the lights all dimmed in unison as my steps guided me back to my way home. But before I even crossed the first street, I saw HIM once again. HIM, YES, HIM!

The only man that makes me go gaga. The man that makes my heart smile and melt at the same time. The only man that makes my whole world go slow-mo. The only man that I know that completes me. The pieces of puzzle once lost can only be found in him, those 4 pieces of different size & shape.

He was wearing his favorite orange hoodie, his eyes that looked at me while his feet walked with the same pace. 4 meters away from him, 2 feet away from him, it's time to say those words-those words that would guarantee to break the ice, those words that would totally make him understand. I've been clueless for more than a term now and leaving myself rotting will bring nothing but misery.

We were already looking at each other. His lips were pursed like oyster while mine was speechless as a bee. He moved, I moved. We were 2 inches from each other and I felt a rush of air coming out from him. He sighed. I on the other hand, made no move nor sigh. Conspicously self-proclaiming my pseudo-love stories while I dream of him each night and morning. I may be stupid but the stars has already spoken, you will talk to me & we'll fall in love like beezwax to margarita.

I'm sick of playing the silent game,
catching each other's eye again.
But that's where it ends.
Until you ask me my name
and I feel like a kid again.

'cause I don't want another emo post

2009-09-08T11:22:00.002+08:00

the good thing about procrastinating is that you're not wasting time. It's more like being productive because you're actually thinking of stuffs that you'd rather do but not.

So I've been thinking about things that has/have got me into for the past seven months of blogging (rather than making my essays & term papers for our finals). Like the time I told this guy that these people from the squatters area do deserve that cleaning Metro-gwapo did a few months ago. I don't care if you're into human rights and all, but it's life-its nature. It's the survival of ze species.

It's like this: It's a never-ending competition where one always has to better than the other. It's like a complete antonym to what we call 'crab mentality' (which I proved as a misnomer after finding out that crabs actually do help each other out rather than pulling each other down.) I know that we're talking about species when we talk about SOTS but the concept I'm trying to put up here is all about us, humans.

I believe everyone has the chance to improve their own life through hard-work and determination, but sometimes, you just really have to go with the rules. Thing is, these people are illegally living there. It sucks how there's this mentality that moving here in the big city could give you a better life. It does make sense to some extent, but for others-NEIGH.

Seriously, you have to give in. Wake up from your dreams of world peace and all that crap and see the complexity this world has to offer. From what we are now, it always has its roots, it always has a bigger picture, it always has an explanation.

We all know that everyone came from different routes to get at some point & I do understand why you're trying to be all defensive with why you care about these people. But that's the way it goes, they have to get their lives "productive" at some other way besides from making babies. Hindi ako matapobre o nangbababa ng ibang tao, ngunit kung alam kong taliwas na sila sa batas-Imma burn them down no matter who they are, bitch.

The country's already over-populated, the crime rate in this country is not getting any lower, people are fighting for food, people are dying from diseases, people don't get enough notice from the government, people are hopeless, people are people. If giving my life out would just make this world a better place, I would do it. But things aren't that simple. That despite the sacrifice, the battles, the tears and pains these heroes have gone through-its either they get stuck in history books or get a statue of their own at some park somewhere.

On a side note, what's with gay men discriminating other gay men? I don't get it. You people should know better cause you're older. I don't fucking care if someone's straight-acting or not, I know that its all about preferences, but it doesn't mean that you can't be around these people anymore or at least be friends with them.

It's treating homosexuality as a cancer. It should be embraced, it should be accepted. There are things that are easier said than done, like this one. But come to think of it, wouldn't you rather live a life of whom you truly are rather than living most of your life spitting multiple lies?

SO yeah, about the squatter thing. That's basically it. If you're not good enough-you're OUT!

Sugarcoats and heartbeat

2009-09-05T20:20:00.001+08:00

After all the weeks of unfinished posts and late night dramas, I finally got the momentum to get up and feel my fingers do its tricks again. I've been lost and uninspired, with tears running down my cheeks every night, with love spinning down my spine, and hope crushing down before me-It's time to stop the drama & get on with life.

We all have problems, I know that. But giving in won't save anything. Drowning myself with tears each night with devil tears and blowjobs down my throat ain't enough to let me sleep from my miseries. Shoulders to cry on have grown tired from my head, their ears can't hold on with such anguish.

I'll be living all by my own soon. At an apartment somewhere with empty windows and shallow hallways. I don't know what's up with that place. As far as I know, its somewhere near Makati where the city never sleeps.

There's something different about this post that reminds me of how I talked to my friends through those lonely nights. Those empty, cold and lonely nights that made no sense nor humor. The rope of life is getting thinner and thinner as days go by with the sun. Now I know how hard it is to look through that window while reminiscing the good old days of summer. The christmas parties spent at your home, the food you shared with them, the smiles and laughters that left everyone breathless while the tune of love echoed from each four corners.

Despite the loss, I'm happy to hear no more anger, no more noise from each of those corners that haunted me for over a year, no more yearning for peace, no more inevitbale early morning arguments, no more. no more, but just peace running through my spine and ears.

and now I wait for change. That somewhere out of this cold room lies hope where the sun never stops shining, where love just shines true like raindrops in midsummer.

Herbs is back, bitches.

Draft No.278

2009-08-30T23:39:00.003+08:00

Everyone's been asking me why I only have 3 posts for this month. First, was whenI was inviting everyone to come to my party, the other one was when I told y'all about my bittersweet night partying at Malate and lastly, the heartbreak kid I met from Taft.

I've dated men among boys this month. Some were fine while others were boring-but that's how the game works. Its like this roulette you play at the casino. You throw this small ball while you cross your fingers to death and see if the ball ever swam down to your lucky number. Love's all about luck. Well, that's what he said.

I could've told you about me and dada rain's UAAP-date. I could've told you about me breaking down infront of my bestfriend while I shared a cup of coffee with her. I could've told you about the part where I had sex with someone while riding a cab. But I didn't. I can't just put the right words in. Words kept on shuffling up and down my head while I try to shoot them out of my fingertips and let my lips do all the talking.

Neither have I shot anything with my camera. My flickr account's been rotting like carrots and apples which my grandma kept inside the dusty cupboards. If only I could tell my boy right now how sorry I am for being too emotional this month. If only I could tell him how much I like him. If only I haven't neglected him while I was busy flirting with someone. Baby, I'm sorry. You deserve someone better.

I had plans of running away this past few days. Of living a life o my own while I try and reach the stars. I don't know where to go, I don't know where to run. All I've got to do now is shove all of their crap up my ass while I try to vomit my way out of this shithole. I've been emotionally unstable for the past two weeks that my baby can't even take it anymore. The sound of music that tried to compensate for my despression wasn't enough.

I've been hornier than ever too. I've been the whore whom you've all seen in this blog. That fake facade that I'm trying to put up here finally came true.

Sigh.

I wish for a miracle. May the gods here my prayer while tears roll down my cheeks.
I wish you were here Mom. So you could see how much I've been through. How much shit I've dealt with for over a year now. A few more of this crap and we'll see where you'll see me. Six feet under where maggots and earthworms party.

The Game

2009-08-22T23:57:00.005+08:00

Have you ever met that man who felt like he's a GOD? You know, that facade he's trying to put up with- THAT perfect physique, killer jawline, appealing goatee and jaw-dropping pecs? I abhor the fact that people do get too blind with these things.

What annoys me more is when this person is just trying to make it all up. Reality bites, looks is pretty much important. Though I'm not quite sure why some men can be very picky despite the fact that we CANT make babies, I guess our innate jurassic gene-picking devices still work.

I never believed people when they're too cocky and full of themselves. To name a few bloggers like TOOT. I find it hillarious how he's trying to make this blinding fog around him that tries to lure in as much as the cute boys he gets but then fail with doing so after meeting him.

"Ganyan talaga ang buhay, hindi lahat ng tao pinagpala."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been emailing this guy for over a month now. He's just like one of your fan boys. Reading but never commenting. He just popped out one time when he got really amazed with what I did. Like all the fake compliments I get every now and then, I felt like playing around with this guy wasn't that bad.

Besides, people who never really met each other yet tend to get over those people whom they've had communication with faster. Its like planting seeds in your backyard, ~~not all of it are yours but some of them do get to grow big and strong.~~ Okay, I suck with analogies. Scratch that.

I don't really know If I'm sounding a bit off or real when I write. Like there was this time when I was dating this guy I liked from Main. We were really both into each other. We texted each other a lot, we checked out on each other if the other one's doing well, we went out and had dinner at Sinangag Express, we both waited for each other just too see how we're doing in the end of the day, held our hands together while we ride our common bus, chat at YM late at night while doing our assignments/projects. It was all good to be true, I felt like that was going to be one of those long-cheezy-relationships you hear about at noon-time tv-shows.

Glasses + Goatee = Isn't he perfect?

Until I dropped the bomb. I told him "I miss you"- he got scared, he thought I was moving way too fast, he thought I was only after one thing. It was my mistake and the good thing about it is that I learned from it. I learned a lesson and it was

"Never get too fast with things, you'll miss the fun part if you do."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

It sucks when your mistake finally kicks in. I know that I'll eventually get over this and go with the start-anew drama we're all going through every now and then, but one thing's for sure. and that one thing I'm quite sure of

Its okay to make mistakes.
its okay.

That's Malate for you, bunso.

2009-08-09T11:18:00.003+08:00

and yes, I'm now fucking SEVENTEEN.

I was early. I didn't know rainbows and unicorns fly around Malate at such late hours. It was 11PM and the wind blew fast against my cigarette as my puffs of nicotine run from Che'Lu to O, and Crobar to BED.

Eye-contacts were everywhere. How almost everyone I saw tried to capture my eyes with charms of masculinity radiating around Orosa. One hunky semi-kalbo said hy while I was walking around the streets waiting for my friends. I didn't gave him the chance to, I'm just not yet ready to flirt around while my friends were looking for me.

My eyes dilated when I saw this hunky peanut-seller pushing his cart around Nakpil.
"How the hell..is that even possible?" I whispered, while nobody replied about my curiosity-I already knew the answer like ABC and 123.

Midnight striked and I was already inside Bed with hipons and hotties mixed. If there was one thing all of these men I saw have in common, they're all buff and some of them even smell each other out just like dogs and cats with the cool air blocking their noses.

"Hy, order na ba kayo?" said Jersey. Above all the countless men I had kissed, danced, and dry-humped with, he was the only one stuck back to reality. He had this hairy arm as my hands accidentally touched it while he was giving me the menu.

"Mamaya na. Wala pang tao eh."

He smiled and waved while my friends were wishing for people. "We want people, goddamnit!"

I've always seen BED to be that ultimate dance club shit that every new rainbow kid would love to go to. Almost everyone I know talked about it, and almost every friend I know have gone to it.
"So, this is BED huh?" my friend told me as the DJ remixed his songs with drops of bacardi down his throat. Three people suddenly came in. "Wee. People!" I cheered while my friends still grew bored despite the booming bass and chilling aroma. The night soon grew colder and hot bodies clamor with the raging boom of speakers.

Beside the ledge where my body grew hot while alcohol sipped down my throat, four men suddenly went up the pedestals with white towels on their back and hard-to-get abs to seduce those of dirty old men.

The air danced with the groove and my body suddenly coexisted with its beat. Men suddenly went through those black sheets that seperate the real world from us. The party has just started, and its fucking 1AM. I even met bloggers around the block while more strokes of alcohol played with my throat. Nicotine was flowing down my nose like carbon, my eyes were dilating fast as the lights went in and out from every direction.

Soon, bodies were touching each other while no air escaped my lips. I met this and that and that and this. They were all looking good, with biceps coming out of their sleeves and tickling goatees with that captivating manly aroma. They were all your typical pamhintas, afraid of the truth-treating homosexuality like a cancer.

The meatmarket was now open, lips met and skin rubbing againsts skins were everywhere. Eyes grew more hungry from what was thought to be a dance club, people started asking names. I was starting to talk jibberish.

"Hy, Im Jusuhwerd"

"I'm Herbs"

then, I would introduce them to my friends. To be honest, I never really understood their names. They were just like fishes in the market, whatever they are-they're still the same shit-fishes. I just went on speaking jibberish as the whole night grew older.

Dry-humping became prominent. Some, I could feel their tongue dance inside my lips. Some, would lick me by the neck with their hand grasping every inch of my crotch. Some, was just too much to take that I would just say no to with hand gestures and impolite nods. Despite the men, despite the muscle, despite the meat. They were all just lost souls hungry for sex. I pity them.

I have seen men reject other men in the process. They would just move on like birds in a meadow, for showing weakness proves you're a coward. Some I would hear lies about having boyfriends just to get that boy clinging out of his shoulders, but then again-I would be making out with that guy the soonest I here Lady Gaga boom across the dancefloor.

BED reflected how shallow our current community is and I feel so sad to see it that way. I was like an anthropologist stuck between crotches. Studying every part of it, from the mirror-reflected restroom to the lip-syncing trannies who looked like zombies.

In the end of the day, I did have fun. I did enjoy the lips, the spanking, the hugs, the people, the beer. Though, I don't really want to go with the culture, I want to follow something from my own. Stuck in a pool full of hormonal men is enough for a year.

Now, all I have to do is hide these hickies.

Now, I thank everyone who greeted me a happy birthday; from Toronto to Australia. Thanks for the love, the hugs, the kisses. Baby herbs is still not legal but hey! I'm better ;-)

Me, Seventeen, Bed, Cake, Beers, and Friends

2009-08-08T10:50:00.002+08:00

The title says it all bitches. Sorry for the short notice,but y'all invited to BED tonight. August 8, 2009 10PM

Why : Dahil isa na akong dalaga. echoz!
Where : Bed, Malate (kasi gusto ko siya ang unang buminyag sa akin na gaybar. i know.. :-p)
When: 10 Pm

Contact me: 09062184609

Bromance

2009-07-30T03:27:00.001+08:00

According to wikipedia, bromance or "man-crush" is a close but non-sexual relationship between two men, a form of homosocial intimacy. Bromance is also the word of the week. From MGG's posts and Jimmy Kimmel's show, they were both talking about bromance. What's up with bromance anyway...

I know how cliche this may seem, but I think everyone has got into this close-bestfriendishh-cute-guy-friend-drama-that-he-fell-in-love-with-but-is-straight-pala-the-whole-time scenario. Yes, people-thats bromance.

I opened my Friendster account a few hours ago and I got this new comment from my old bestfriend from the province. He was swearing at me for not remembering his birthday and at the same time greeting me a happy birthday as he knew our birthdays were both close to each other. I know, long shit.

I met him through my girlfriend. Yes, I did have a girlfriend and I used to be vagitarian. We were actually on the same section at 3rd year but I never really talked to him because I was just plain snobbish back then. He would talk to me in English class when he could'nt understand what the hell the teacher was saying.

One night, after going outside and buying one of my oh-so-favorite empanada (ilocano style), he called me and told me that he got my number from my girlfriend. Yes, my girlfriend. Not that he was a stalker or anything but at first I thought that he was trying to steal my girl. But after getting my number from me girl, we just started on talking on the phone every-fucking-night.

Yeah, he ditched her for me. Ang ganda ko no? hahaha. Since then, we were inseperable. We would talk for 5 hours every night while we both watch tv, eat dinner and make chikka at the same time. We hanged in the morning and talked in the evening. We were like lovers and I was already losing some time with my girlfriend.

It wasn't too soon till I finally broke up with my girlfriend as I found her dragging to how much fun I've had it with him instead. On weekends, we would go out and walk around the city while going for foodtrips.

We even made a habit of making-hatid-sundo to our houses every other day. In relation to that, when it was my turn to bring him home-he would invite me to have dinner with him. I did the same shit, I even made him sleepover when its too late already.

He was the school's heart throb and I was the wise-ass. After spending so much shit with him for 2 fucking years, I fell in love with him and kept it from going out. But before that, before the me-falling-in-love-with-him part, he would always kiss me on the cheeks whenever he leaves. He would hug me like a teddy bear when he sees me drop by at his place.

I was the guy who stayed with him at the hospital when he got into an accident. He was the one who carried me home when I was fucking drunk and vomiting all over on my 15th birthday. On that same night, was the first time that we ever kissed (like lips to lips ba. yes, naloka ako.) Pecks were usual but getting my lips wet by his lips was obviously something else.

After that, I had the mentality that we were having an unspoken relationship. We never kissed again after it, but we were still the same. Hatid, sundo, hugs, and dinner. We grew closer and closer and I grew more in love with him every-fucking-day. Alam mo yun? Yung to the point na you'd sacrifice your life for him?

I was happy like shit when I was with him. Until...until...he had a girlfriend. I know right? What a bitch. After 3rd year, I got placed on the star section while he was left with our old section. We didn't had much time back then but we would always meet when lunch time came and he would come to my place and eat lunch. Sometimes, me at his place and sometimes, us at some cheap food-chain around town.

At Senior's prom, when the last dance came in-he asked me to dance. "Doon tayo sa gitna, pwede?" while reaching his arm out while I was sitting with my ex. I know, awkward much. I got up, and he held my hand while we both walked as people started to stare.

The feeling was priceless but damn, people started giving us weird looks when we were already up the middle. I looked at his face and he smiled at me with his cunning smile. Unfortunately, his girlfriend suddenly came in and tapped his back while we were having our moment. Oo, eksenadora talaga ang girlfriend niyang churlalaloo. In fairview, school singer namin yung girl na itey at maganda ang hitad-yun nga lang may dakotang nunal sa fezlak. But wait, nagpa-alis ng nunal ang baklita after na talak-ever cheverloo sa buong school na ang tawag sa kanya "Nunal." O diba? ang taray.

Long story short, I told him before I left for Manila that I was in love with him. He laughed and told me that he just sees me like a brother. Like, hello? Okay ka lang? Kailan pa merong magkatapid na lalaking naghahalik-halikan ever at may telebabaderz sessions pa everynight? May pa sweet-dreams sweet-dreams pa nga bago bumorlag eh. Letse siya. Kung alam ko lang na wit pala kami talaga ever since, matagal na sana akong rumampa sa mga plaza para humatak ng cute boys no! echos.

Anyway, rumor says na pamhintang taklesa itey ngayon. Nakakalerki diba? Sabagay, bata pa kami noon at hindi pa knowing na pwede palang mag im-tu-im. Like pamhinta ba. Okay lang naman para sa akin eh, basta lang pag-uwi ko (if ever), meron akong saging na uuwian hahaha.

OO na. OO na. Sabaw ako ngayun kasi 4am na at 7am pa ang gising ko. Take note, may report pa akong gagawin later this morning with matching corporate attire. O diba? ang joray ng lola mo. Ganito ata talaga ang efek pag ni keanu reed mo itey booklaloo ni Wanda Ilusyonada.

Before I finish my report and reaction papers,
greeting good 'ol bestfriend a happy happy 18th birthday.

Him with ze lil sister