on unkempt bedsheets and relationships

I'm very anal.

Most of the time you'd find me cleaning up the house. Half that time I'm either spraying disinfectant, polishing wood (no pun intended), or getting rid of rubbish. I wasn't exactly like this back then. A year ago, I couldn't even be bothered fixing my own bed nor would you see me cleaning up my bathroom, kitchen, or even putting the effort on learning how to cook. I've changed a lot since then. Believe it or not, I even learned how to use the oven, use a glass cleaner, and apply for a credit card. Yep, all in one year and in that one year I've made the worst decision in my life.

Looking back, I did grow when I moved out of my home. Not long after that, I met Aaron and after a couple of months of dating and because his lesbian room-mate decided to live in with her girlfriend, he invited me to finally live-in with him. Yep, situation de facto, baby.

And as much as I would like to say that its all 'happily ever after' after that, it wasn't all too sweet. Most of the time it was great. We drove down interstate to New South Wales to meet his parents and friends three months ago, and a month after that I introduced him to me mum, and in between those days we were being your typical hetero-couple; renting movies, eating leftover pizza, and fighting over who gets to wash the dishes the night.

Two nights ago, things almost fell apart between us. It was my fault- it usually is anyway. Am I not enough for you? 'cause that's how it felt like when I found out, he said. It struck me, it struck me so hard that I ended up crying next to him for a good half an hour. You are, you are more than enough for me. I just never looked at it that way. 

Seriously though, why are we even together?, he said back. 'cause we love each other, that's why. We both know we don't get along on most things, we're two very different people. While I'm not really in-tune with his friends, he isn't with mine neither. He likes Pop and I like eclectic tunes and mostly Indie. We're different, very different, and that's what we've learned from each other for the past seven months.

I even started listening to Adele now just so we could listen to the same music, he said. I miss having music around the house. Ever since we've been together - I haven't been able to listen to music and have fun. You're not much fun aren't you? He was right, and I wasn't able to tell him much but sorry.

Thinking about it, with everything so fucked up and messy in my life, subconsciously, I've let myself try and fix what was around me, the anal bit came along which annoyed him on most days along with the fact that the plans I've made for myself wasn't pulling through; that the only thing that I wanted to do with my life wasn't happening. I've let go of everything around me, my friends, my family, and him - the sole reason that keeps me sane while I get everything else sorted out. 

The idea of losing him made me think of what was going wrong these past seven months. My job has been monotonous, I am in debt, and my plans of being able to get to university and study wasn't happening because of money. Mother-fucking money. I've been too serious with myself, I wasn't fun, I was starting to bore the love of my life. 

It felt like I was already in my grave when we were having that conversation. I've come to realize that being with somebody is an effort. Love, is an effort. It's nowhere near the promise most movies and most bed-time stories tell us each night. But for some odd reason that night, even though it felt like it was going to be the end of us, the couple who seemed to argue on most things just because we like to argue, has managed to patch things together. How? I don't know - it just did. 

I've come to love him for many unconventional reasons; that we don't get along, nor can i read him, nor does he give me whatever I want. We've come to learn how to live comfortably together, to have at least one of us go away when emotions are too high, and to love one another because we just do. 

Guess this time they're wrong, just because we don't like the same bizarro crap, doesn't mean we can't come to terms with ourselves and learn how to respect each other and still manage to be happy.. Me thinks that's what love is all about, to respect, to be able to heal, and the most important thing in the world, being and staying happy.

We still have a lot to learn from each other, and hopefully, time wouldn't be too rough on us.

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on a lighter note, to herb lovers and nature-loving people alike, my herbs are still alive, and yes, I've moved them next to the windowsill now.

p.s. we're turning 8 months tomorrow :)