Quickly

I just got a letter from the immigration yesterday. Who knew that your ultimate key to reaching down under would just be 27 pages. Yes, twenty-seven pages of pure awesomeness. Now, all I have to do is wait for that special power of shunga-bunga to come. Sigh. Goodbye Pilipinz.

I’m scared. I’m scared of racism among other things.

Get this: It will be my first time living with my mom in 14 years and if I do get it right, we won’t be seeing any other Pinoys besides ourselves. We’ll be just three in the house because I heard that two of my step-brothers already left home. The younger twenty-one ishy now lives with his mom and the oldest 22ishy is now living with his girlfriend up north.

One word: Awkward.

To be honest, I’m not really sure on how my relationship with mom will go through since we’re now finally living in one roof (In the future that is). I’m quite sure that the both of us won’t really know each other quite well.

Our YM convo is far more worst that how’d you speak with your not-so-good-ex-boyfriend:

Mom:Musta na anak?

Me: Okay lang po. Kayo? Kumain na kayo?

Mom: Oo. Okay lang naman kami.

Me: Okay.

Five minutes of deafening silence.

Mom: Sige anak, pagod na ako. Tulog na ako.Goodnight, Love you tsup.

Me: Sige po. Love you too, tsup. Ingat kayo parati.

Though some times, in very rare occasions, she’d add up something up like “konting tiis na lang diyan, you will be here soon” or something like that. Nevertheless, we do talk like how a mom and son would when I’m feeling shitty and yes, I always do call her by the phone when I feel like the whole world’s turning down on me.

Sometimes, she would cry with me when she feels so hopeless and sometimes, she would tell me “Anak, sira na beauty mo. Tama na” and we would both laugh our way out from depression. Isn’t she the best?

It’s sad to realize that all of us are going to day someday. I just can’t bear to have that kind of experience in me. You know the part where you go all dramatic and everyone around you would be crying? Then, you start to mumble words your family won’t understand and then the beeping machine next to you turns into this uniform annoying sound that we all hear in movies. (Could you just die!)

Being cliché is just so inevitable these days. Sigh.

2 hours from now, I’ll be down by Taguig listening to someone’s reflection and by 6 hours, I’ll be sitting at CCP while watching actors laugh and walk around in eccentric colorful clothes. Awesome!

I’ve been blog-hopping a few hours ago and you know what? You shouldn’t be taking hold of something that you’re quite sure of letting go eventually. YOU are right; you should be looking for your prince charming right now rather than grabbing hold of a jailbait. It’d be perfect! You, single at Bora-you’ll never know. *wink*

Dear dumb diary,

Sometimes, dreams don’t really go exactly to how you see it. And no, not all fairy tales come true. How I just wish this heartache would just stop already so I could go back to watching Porn by midnight.

Sincerely yours,

Herbs xoxo

Two little birds sat on my window and they told me “you don’t need to worry.” It will be good in God’s time, whenever that is.

Dear dumb diary

Am I the princess or the frog?

Eat that motherfuckers.

Okay, I think everybody knows that I'm apparently not a virgin anymore. end of topic.

No, I have no plans elaborating this cause I'm already expecting that most of you bitches telling me that I'm the frog, so I'd rather talk about my karma. Remember that part of my blog where I talked about the 3 significant people you'll meet in your life? Yes, them. Though just in case you're new here or if you just usually read the first and last paragraphs of my posts, your karma would be that person who'll break you.

Theory says that this "bitch" will make you learn a lesson. Notwithstanding drama, depression, late night talks with your best friend and your whole transformation to being the queen B. In retrospect, you will eventually learn from him/her and will probably meet your soul mate. eventually. well, supposedly.

I've always assumed that I already learned my lesson. No matter how cheesy or stupid it may seem I'm quite sure that all of us has gone through the love vs. lust drama already. You know, the part where you-know-who gets you-know-what. Its all part of the process of growing up, how there's this big line between lust and love. Approximately 8 inches thick if you want to know how thick the line is.

I hate it when life kicks me by the balls. Its like having a seizure with no one caring if you're on 50:50 already. You know the drill; you break up with your pseudo soul-mate, you get EMO like any other person would, you get so fucked up that you begin to be bitchy with almost everyone, and then you go back to dating again.

A friend told me that one-night-stands are so over-rated. I begged to differ. Everyone does it, and if you look at it thoroughly Freud is right. We are all driven for sex. Like any crazy motherfucker, leading us to bed is the utmost reason to why we decided to be a dentist, a teacher, a scientist, and most specially-a fireman.

It was really stupid to be praying to God how ready I am to die as soon as he grants me of losing my virginity. Luckily unfortunate, I lost my virginity a few days after that and I'm stuck with praying how I'd rather be dead after I see my grandchildren graduate college. Yes, like what your grandma used to say when you ate with her during lunch. Exactly just like it.

This leads me back to how I miss being naive. That part of my life where I just thought about what porn site will I check out later or how I'm going to date this hot new girl from school. Don't you guys just miss it? Though I can choose to act naive, I'd rather be the wise-ass than than dumb-jerk if you were to ask me.

Inspired by Twisted Tomato's Jake

To be continued with how I met my karma and how I had the best sex of my life yet.

Non-comformist?

Procrastinating gets me nowhere. Love is undefined. Seeing a man fuck a cantaloupe is hot. Flashbacks of my first date. My two-hour make-out practice with my girlfriend Missing my FUBU from Main. Yes, I'm THAT random.


Once again, I've made a habit of singing "Part of your world" every time I wake up each morning. Reminiscing one of my childhood dreams of being a mermaid still smells fresh. Like Sashima dabbed with wasabe and california maki mangoes stuck between my central teeth. It all felt au naturale.

I've been having a problem with my photographic style. You see, I usually take shots from copying a certain style from someone. Like a writer's style and any other artists' style, almost everything can be copied but not the complete essence of it. Imagining myself looking at someone's eyes may sound horrific, but that's the closest thing to how I would describe it-"looking through the eyes of another artist"

Bored at the study area M402 with Noelle

Maybe a good euphemism for this would be INSPIRATION. Yes! It's inspiration. Like any other people I meet, they would tell me their idol's style usually reflects on how they work. I want something unique. I don't want to be dubbed as the next Annie Liebovitz or Richard Warren, I want my own style, my own eye, my own essence.

Click to see the image larger

an Annie Liebovitz shot

a Richard Warren shot

See the resemblance? I love how in-depth these shots are. Something that I haven't learned yet and something that I would like to have people look at.

The weekend's up and I'm already fully-booked; a group presentation for tomorrow morning, a play to watch on Sunday, an overdue atheist meeting before that and denied coffee dates. Is it just my browser or are some of my papitoes' blogs gone again? Just when I decided to catch up with people, that's when most of them got their blogs deleted.

There goes the cycle again...

If you're expecting any upcoming We want you posts, I already have 2 posts on draft and I don't have any plans posting them anymore. Not that MG and I aren't doing good or anything, but it just seems so monotonous; we flirt, we laugh, we bid farewell. Though last Thursday was quite different from the usual flirting. He started to pinch my arm and chest as we laugh about blow job jokes and quickies. Moreover, he did had me touch pinch his biceps and abs while the rest of the class watched Insiang, and gawd must I tell you- his manboobs are just the hottest shit ever.

I asked him if he would love to assist me if ever I do decide to go gymming soon and his yes and notorious smile got my cheeks blushing again. He told me that he's looking for someone who'll have a serious relationship with, he's just so over the fooling-around stage DAW. He was updated when I broke up with my boyfie a week ago and since then, he just kept on joking about being my boyfriend.

Fooling around with Noelle at Insocio alongside MG.

To be honest, I can't get through him like any other, it's like Edward trying to prey on Bella's-its imprenetable. I have no idea if he's already telling the truth or not. Some times, he tells words that are later on backed-up with "joke lang" and some times, with words that says "Swear. I'm not lying."

Ironic as it may seem, the more he jokes the more real it sounds. I'm not sure if he's telling some secret messages under those jokes and smirks. Reminding myself of the old chick flick that "half of a joke is true," I guess playing around won't hurt.

Noelle and me talking about MG

Whatevs, whatever comes, we'll give it a shot ;-p

Not another Transformers post

Again, this is it. I digress.

Lets just cut the bullshit. Okay, okay, Transformers is the best fucking film ever made since Temptation Island. *bow*

It's MANILA DAY and I just can't wait to bum my ass off as I watch Planetromeo Films the whole day. But no, we're making up classes due to last week's swine flu paranoia and everyone's just really pissed off about it. I mean, who would even want to have Transformers on the same day as your school day? This is beyond animosity. Okay, okay, I'm over-reacting.

I'm so gonna wear my Transformers shirt later. So if you do see this nerdy guy walking around greenbelt with a black shirt with streaks of ROGBY and a Transformers logo running along his manboobs, do wave and say HI.

Don't worry. I even do autographs and free-quickies hahaha.

On the other hand, I do hope that the people on my bloglist don't mind If I havent been updating for almost 3 days now. Wala pa nga akong nababasa among my bitchez kasi super uber busy talaga aketch with School. You know me, I'm a hard-working student with an A++ GWA. Do you seriously think that I would even think of trading my school for blogging? HAHA etchos!

So I'm obviously running late again and talking to Dada Rain and Tita Bloiggy were one of the reasons why. I heard its even signal no.2 down the dirty south so I won't be surprised if I do get wet when I reach Greenbelt later. "I'll be like so basa again, and make punas all-over" as Tita Bloiggy would say it hahaha

Anyway, promise to catch up with all of you on the weekend. I hope people won't have Transformers as their movie review again. Its just sooo over-rated. Save yourself from the grammar lapses!

XOXO

Dependent

Fear brought Gods into our world

I abhor the fact the people do look up to him. Why can't we just believe in ourselves? I know that everything is beyond our control, but that doesn't mean we can't do THIS because GOD doesn't want us to. I just really HATE that mentality!

We've all heard of it. When our elders tell us things like "Ganyan talaga ang buhay. 'Pag ayaw ibigay ng diyos, talagang wala." Gusto ko lang talagang ipagsigaw sa kanila na

"Eh kung putanginang ginawa niyo ba naman kasi ng maayos, wala sanang problema. Ganito lang naman yan eh, kung gusto mo talaga-gagawin at gagawin mo lahat para maabot mo siya." You know what? I give up. People will always be stubborn and ignorant.

I do understand that having something to believe in really helps. I admit, I do talk to HIM when I'm scared, its just really hard to realize that you're apparently alone in a pool full of ashes. I have always been scared of the future, its the same reason why I don't plan. No plans, no frustrations. Life is an on going struggle and I'm so scared that I might slip- I just don't want to fall yet. I just don't want to have my happily ever after yet. Not now, my story has just started.

I'm scared. I'm just really too scared. Too scared if my plans to Brisbane won't pull through, scared if I can't continue my study at CSB, scared if anything bad's gonna happen, and the list goes on.

Naiiyak ako dahil nahihirapan na ang aking Ina sa ibang bansa. Mahirap kasi talaga ang mag-isa. Masaya sana kung may kasama kang Pinoy, iba raw kasi talaga kapag alam mong may kababayan kang malapit sayo. Iba rin yung kapamilyang parating kasama para maisip mong nasa bahay mo parin ikaw, yung tipong amoy palang ng ulam niyo-parang nasa Pinas ka na. Sabi nga nila "TUYO lang, feel na feel ko na ang Pilipins"

Napakalakas niyang tao. Sabi nga niya sa akin "Ang pagiging INA ay hindi lang parang papel sa isang dula-dulaan, trabaho ko yan" I promise her, once I get to be with her again- I'll make everyday be Mother's day. I know that a lot of you have been telling me na wala akong preno minsan, minsan..may mga bagay kasi akong gusto kong ilabas. Alam mo yun? Masakit man siya. Alam kong nahihiya ako minsan kung sasabihin ko siya. Para bang ipinapahiya ko ang sarili ko. Kung tutuusin, wala naman talaga akong pake sa kung ano ang iniisip niyo. Gusto ko lang mailabas ang saloobin ko.

Ako ay nagbloblog hindi para sa kasiyahan niyo, kundi sa pansariling kadahilanan. Hindi ba? Tayo naman lahat eh. Ang sarap kasi ng pakiramdam na may mga taong nakakarinig sayo. Hindi mo man sila kasama ngayun, ngunit damang-dama mo talaga ang kanilang pagmamahal sa pamamagitan lamang ng pagsulat. Mas madali rin talagang mag-isip pag Tagalog ang gamit mo. Nakakahiya nga lang sa mga PUTI kong fans at hindi na nila maintindihan ang pinagsasabi. KEBS!

Anyway, do listen to this before you leave. Okay lang kung walang comment, masaya na akong may nakikitang taong pumapasok dito. Iniisip ko nalang, binasa siya kahit napadaan lang pala siya. Okay na yun...basta alam ko, kahit hindi man tayo magkakadugo-parang pamilya na rin ang turing natin sa isa't isa. *NGITI*

Fear brought gods into the world and ignorance is keeping them here.
In the words of Voltaire:

As long as people believe in absurdities they will continue to commit atrocities.

Blah

I should be doing my psychology assignment right now, but being a good boy that I am, I decided to blog instead. Who could've thought that spending the night watching MTV and cheap porn from PlanetRomeo would do just the trick to help me with my sickness. Okay, so I'm not really that good or as you say healthy, but I do feel like a million bucks despite the suffocating lung conjunctions caused by my allergy.

Anyhow, I just bought a ticket to Transformers 2 just a few hours ago at Greenbelt. I was supposed to be inviting my boyfriend to watch it with me, but sadly-for some odd reason, he decided to cut all our connections; twitter, Ym, Facebook. Oh! you name it, its all part of burning our bridges.

After buying the ticket, I went off to Coffee bean and tea leaf for my daily dose of euphoria.

"Hy! Good evening. Welcome to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, what would like you to have?"

"Oh hy *looks at barrista's nametag* ....Mark. I'll get one large white chocolate dream with no whip."

"Will that be all?"

"Uh yes. and could you please get it double-blended? I hate it when twenty percent of whats left is just of ice. you know, right?"

"Sure. sure. well-blended. So what's your name?"

"Herbs"

"Nice. Lemme guess, Herbert right?"

"Oh no.... (Usually, this is the part where you could just make any random story and get away with it) Well, both of my parents are vegan and obviously, they got me to grow up eating veggies."

"Oh. that's cool! So its really Herbs!"

"Yes. yes."

"So its one fourty five."

"Here ya go"

"Okay Herbs. Just wait at the counter for your drink"

"Kay..thanks Mark."

So thats how I spent my night- reminiscing my wonderful fun dates with my boyfriend and lying about my name. I'm currently watching Scoop on Star movies right now and its already 1:35 am. I do have a class around 2:30 this afternoon and I must now go to sleep. But before that, do please watch this spoof from Take180.com of Harry Potter and the half-blood prince.

Wait. What? Don't tell me you dont know Harry Potter? If you don't know HP, well we can't be friends. *Hmm...I should really make a Vlog soon, Blogging is just way too cool for me*

Magtagalog ka nalang kasi oi

Have you ever been bored of the Internet?

I know that it feels so improbable but some times, there comes this point where you just don't find anything interesting with your normal websites. I usually go to facebook, friendster, xtube, blogspot, xkcd, twitter, youtube, xtube and flickr. Oh. have I mentioned Xtube yet?

Anyway,nothing around was interesting yesterday; usual tweets and backstabs, usual video and shallow laughter, and my favourite- no one wants to talk to me. HA!

So I went for my last resort: Blog-hopping. Ching!

I can't help but feel this negative vibes around the blogosphere as I jump from some of the usual blogs I go to. Have you ever had that feeling? It's like this negative dragging aura that you get when you see this arrogant motherfucker not approving your comment. Last time I checked, I said nothing below-the-belt nor make any negative comment about this girl/guy-you just simply can't please everyone these days. gahhh

Moreover, I got my very first blogging award yesterday from this blogger whom I've never known to actually read my blog and my very first fan mail from a very sweet boy/man. Yes, bitches! I do get fan mail/s*

at some point, I did feel like a star. You know. A Miley Cyrus kinda thing-and may I tell you, it feels so much better than getting your back scratched and your ass spanked with a dildo. SWEAR! So this is how it feels to be like MGG i thought; numerous help-me-i-don't-know-what-to-do letters, double that would be fan mails telling him to keep on doing what he's doing-whatever it is, and last but not the least, hate mails and death threats from bigots! Now isn't that so fucking fun? I know right.

shot for today. Dedicated to Docmikepogi

So where exactly are we going with this? Would this be a post about my frustrations? my current agenda? my art? my love life? Santino? That's entertainment at GMA 7? I know that having a mono-topic about your post would make it more..easy to digest. But right now, I just want to be random. Like 2009, you'll never know what comes up next! Chacha, friends leaving to Jakarta, break-ups, free-porn, and so on....Life is just to good to make plans of.

Baby, just let go and feel the wind whisper in your ears.
Feel the steering wheel conjure its way to heavens,
while widening your nostrils as you smell the daises.

Airplanes and iPhones

So how are the papers doing? asked a young man as he speaks with sovereign.

Its expected to be done in less than 4 weeks to 4 months, sweetie replied a woman who knew elegance quite well.

Annoying how the range differs from each other quite ...ridiculous. Seriously? 4 weeks to 4 months? Its like adding a marketing approach to my australian visa said the young man while rolling his eyes and pressing the enter key with an excess force.

C'est la vie.... c'est la vie replied the woman in a sighing manner.

He thought It would take him less than a year to get all the papers done. For him, less than a year means like somewhere between 9 to 11 months NOT four months. Four months felt like yellow pages scratching his bare hands as he looks for the nearest Pizza Hut- it was fast, it was sure to come and it always felt like waiting for nothing as you hear a distinct deafening roar fade within the horizon.

He wanted to leave, but not now. Not when everything feels so great and where everything in his life felt like hanging on climax. In his sixteen years of living walking across this archipelago, never had he live through something like this- a sense of family despite the bloodlines, a sense of love despite the vagueness, a sense of...peace despite the chaos. It was a choice between what he loved and where his home was.

Home? You're asking me where my home is? Home for me is where my family is said his shrink as he talks to him like any other friend on one of their usual weekend convos. He continued... Sweetie, some times we just really have to let go of those people we love just to keep on going. You won't gain anything from being safe-you have to take risk.

He knows what his shrink means. He understood every meaning of those words....but somehow, deep inside his chest lies an aching rhythm of heartaches and confusion. For a minute, he felt lost. He felt alone in a very dark room where two doors lie open; one with a blinding light and the other one, a room full of friends and relatives with plastered smiles on their faces.

Everyday we make choices in our lives that brings forth a drastic change. Will it be changing your undies to black instead of the usual white and bumming around your room rather than going out meeting strangers he thought.

He can't help but remember one of his Papitoes flying off to DC just a few days ago. That same man was someone whom he looked up to, a very charismatic and charming guy whom this little boy looked at as a daddy figure. He misses him. He knew that that man's strong enough to go through this adventure alone, like a soldier coming home to tell his village the good news and a nomad who finds blind spots to be quite an adventure.

He's a strong man. He can get through it thought the young man as he sips his tea that same morning his daddy left.

After sipping two cups of tea with a thousand-mile stare on his face, he stood up. Walked to his room, fixed his bag and went out with his camera. He walked past the usual streets of his usual photo route, he walked past the strangers and over the fence where a new park was being made.....

There, he took a deep breath,
looked at the subject while clicking the shutter
and whispered
"We'll miss you"

Courage is my middle name!

NOT!

I rarely take risk. Who wants to be on 50:50 anyway? Its like betting half your day to pure awesomeness or doom. If you were to ask me, just always be safe so you wouldn't make mistakes that often.

If you want to be perfect, don't move-don't breathe and just be dead. Now tell me, do you still want to be perfect? If you still want to be one-don't move! Moving just makes you make more mistakes and would just probably get yourself fucked up in less than 27 seconds.

I have around an eon worth of mistakes already that my "DIVA's DIARY" notebook's 297 pages is just isn't enough to contain it. If you're asking for highlights-I think this were on top of my list:

• Spending too much money on first dates.
• Asking my first boyfie to his place the first time we dated.
  
• Dating a 35 year-old ex-army who only knew sex.
• Texting someone non-stop.
• Falling in love online.
• Getting carried away with what other people think.
• Not having the guts to talk to my pseudo-soulmate.
• Buying a 32G Ipod touch and getting it lost through intoxication.
• Spending 31k on some point-and-shoot camera.
• Going way too fast and not slowing down a bit.
• For breaking up with someone I love due to his small penis.
• For lying about my age (16 to 18) for half a year just to date and have sex with older guys.
• SMOKING
  
• Letting my hormones take over me.

But you know what! I did learn from them-each and every minute detail taken into account just to get deciphered. You learn from your mistakes, not your achievements. Some times, I do get to repeat the same mistake just for the heck of it. Who wouldn't want to learn a new trick by the end of the day, right?

Keep on making those mistakes just as long as it helps you learn from it. Stubborness won't get you anywhere-so think about it, smoking? your diet? the life you're in one now? You can change it, you can make a difference. Who says you still can't learn on how to ride a bike by 32? Get your law degree at 54 or even get rhenoplasty at 25. I want to be a fashion photographer, and despite being my personal fashoin faux pas, I still want to be one!

No matter how much you look like an ass already, Go lang ng go!

Status quo: Nose runny, mild sore throat, 36.2 degrees celcius, and minor suffocation via cough.

a Thank you to everyone who showed their love through messages and denied phone calls; Bloiggster, DocMike, Mcvie, Jaybeecc, Manilabitch, Dianne, Mel, Dada Rain, Manila Bitch, Victor, Ken, Bob and MOM to name a few, dun sa mga hindi nasabi, THANK YOU *MWAH*

the PROs and CONs of having an ASS

I woke up having this really bad sore throat;
a result of my late-night drinking
and excessive smoking I suppose
(and no, its not fucking swine flu!)

I have to admit, I am a bit paranoid about this that I even bought a mask. Despite being unfashionably ludicrous at the same time helpful, my ego tends to get it off whenever I drop by Greenbelt or get inside school.

****************************

It was my first time attending a rally (and hopefully, my last). Banners were everywhere and everyone had this chant that made the energy of the crowd grow more larger. I never had a problem with strangers giving me weird looks nor asking me to take pictures of them (I eventually just delete the shot if its not a good one. It's not like I'm going to develop it and deliver it to their home. Ano sila?!)

Anyway, I did got some smiles from fellow photographers as I get around Ayala Avenue for some good photo ops. There was this one Caucasian guy with his friend that stares at me a lot and there were this group of gay men asking me to take pictures of them relentlessly. It was hard trying to compose; from exposure to lighting and subjects to timing. I got 70 shots all in all but I only had 3 photos left:

(click on the thumbnail for more details)

In the process of it, I did got my foot stuck 4 times, got 3 gums stuck on my sole, had my armpits wet from walking and got to see a lot of influential people in the flesh; Juana Change to name a few. Neither am I a big fan of these rallies nor smelly armpits but I did enjoy staying under the sun for less than 4 hours without talking.

The rally reminds me a lot of my latest argument with my cute and hot Poli. Gov. professor a few weeks ago about the Philippines being hopeless. Yes, I do believe we are hopeless-and that's why I'm leaving this goddamn country that's nothing more but leech and pig infested. I feel bad with some people who have no choice-how they have to get all through some of this people's bullshit and still manage to fight for it despite being in vain.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Is change even possible? Same thing with believing in world peace. Some times, it sucks when people tell US that we're the hope of this country-why? can't it be them instead? Being idealist can suck my dick if it weren't for reality check and the law of gravity! I can't help it but be furious with how these kinds of people manage to breathe, eat and sleep everyday with all the lives they destroy every friggin' day.

If it weren't for our economy, parents wouldnt leave their children to their grandparents, kids wouldn't be that liberal, people won't be THAT uncivilized, our country would have been more beneficial, and so on. See, everything is interlinked-from the tiniest of the tiny to the biggest of the biggest-we are all connected.

Now, tell me. How can we save this country from hell?

sunday pseudo-church

It was 7 PM on my watch and I could barely tell if the coffee date with these guys were still on the go. I told you, you shouldn't be around Makati right now doing some meet-ups rather than going to church. 7:15, and they're still not here. I smoked my Dunhill by the nearest ashtray as I check out this guy sitting in front of me. It was a subtle attempt to entertain myself from this boredom. He was wearing a cashmere coat over some cotton tees I've seen from TopShop and a worn-out denim with matching blue boxers seeping out of his ass. 7:30. Oh Golly! I think they're the one coming in now.

They were these two gorgeous guys I've always been fond off from Dlink, partners for more than 3 months now-I would always envy them as they narrate they're fabulous dates down at Boracay and up north at Pagudpud. One of them is James-a five-foot seven chinito-ish guy who has this really adorable glasses and knew nothing more but Anthropology and Sex, and Benji (short for Benjamin) who was this really tall cute and charming guy who towered over us as he talks about the current gay culture and kokology.



We were planning on having a coffee at greenbelt like the usual coffee dates I had with most of the people I meet. But this time-they invited me down at their place. Somewhere near the buildings themselves, but a little bit more discreet than the usual condoes. Hello Marikina!

"So how's our baby brother doing?" said James as he tweaks my old D40.

"Good, good. A little bit sober from last night" as I show them my usual smile.

"Just perfect! We just bought beers last night in preparation of this meet!" said Benji as he opens the fridge with a bunch of san mig light and red horse.

"OH MY. May school pa ako bukas eh. Naman!" scratching my head in disappointment and dismay.

It was impossibly undeniably unsuccessful for me to deny them. Okay, so we had a couple a beers as I tell them my usual rendezvous and school dramas with such eloquence. echoz! Them, on the other hand, talked about their not-so-fun trip around the self-proclaimed gay-mecca of the RP-the infamous Puerto Galera.

"So we did had an orgy with a couple of Aussie guys we met at PG, and oh i tell you! It was soo fucking fun!" yelled Benji as he sipped his 7th or 8th can.

"I have always seen sex as to a 1:1 ratio. Adding one more would just imbalance the chemical reaction! hahahaha etchos!" while laughing our ass off with my ludicrous idea.

We were smoking at their crib and it seemed like their walls were insulated from the noise we made for the past two hours we've been drinking. Perfect, a great place to have some nice obnoxiously loud sex. I was down to my last stick already and I excused myself to the nearest mini stop downstairs.

"Huh? Huwag ka nang bumaba. Benji, ikaw na nga lang bumili ng yosi ni Baby Herbs. Kawawa naman si bunso, baka madapa pa at mahulog sa hagdanan hehehe" while winking at me as he orders his lobster downstairs.

Benji was already out and it was just us; my ultimate-crush James, intoxicated and chatty as we drink some more and munch on some tempuras from the local convenience store. I don't want to lie, I did had that urge to make out with him. As the euphoria kicks in and seeps its way through my bloodstream, I had to excuse myself.

"Wiwi lang ako James" while James helped me up as I feel his breath down my throat. I looked at him at a brief moment and helped my way through the next door.

"Don't you need some help wagging that Baby?" said James half-jokingly.

"No thanks. Thank God he gave me two hands for this hahahaha!" as I open the john and stare at the mirror.

I was staring at my reflection as I see the experience streaking horizontally on my forehead. My bloodshot eyes yelling for help as I try and control myself from being monogamous. mental note: don't ever. ever. get yourself into something like this again!

I was quite sure in the back of my head that James and I both liked each other. WE did flirt a lot while he was already going out with Benji, and I' m quite sure, betting half of my balls-that somewhere, down those hot pants and white undies-lies this urge to have some quickie while the boyfies out. But no, you see. I'm happily in love with a great great man right now and I can't just do this without facing the consequences. AN ETERNAL AFTERLIFE in HELL! etchos! (take note: Atheist po ako :-p)

Sweat was already pouring down my forehead. James was knocking on the door as I wash my face and slap myself into reality. Do not have sex. DO NOT! I repeat. Do not have sex! I could hear the front door open now and softly hear Benji's low voice against the wall.

"B, nasaan na si Bunso?" said Benj as I hear him flick his surprisingly expensively absurd Zippo.

"Nasa CR. Nagsusuka na ata ang bunso...." feeling his emotion fluctuate from lust to care.

I hastily got myself out of the door and sat back to them by the living room. Benji looks the same as he got down and up the exaggeratedly tall building. James, finally looked sober from those beers we just got through with or was he? I wasn't really sure if James did have a prior plan on why he invited me to their place, but if there's one thing I'm sure off-I do have a big big makalaglag-panty crush on him.

As we all go to the 10th bottle with nicotine helping our brains reach heaven in no time. I helped myself between Benji and James. Resting my two hands on top of their shoulders as we all sit by their couch while resting our feet on their table, we could barely move a muscle from the alcohol and we just can't stop laughing from pure high.

"So...when was the last game Baby Herbs?" said Benji as he looks at me and then, James.

"Oh...eons ago if you must know. mwahahahaha" as I sip my last beer for the night.

"Hahaha. Good thing Benji and I have each other" while James grasps Benji's arm and squeeze it with some pressure.

"I can't help but be envious with you guys. Masyadong unfair talaga ang mundo. There should always be the ugly one and the good-looking one! Bakit dito..wala?! Bastusan na talaga to o!!!" as I gush my frustration while sipping for my...20th? 27th stick?

"Hahaha. You'll find your prince charming soon, don't worry." said Benji as he plays with my hair.

"But I actually did found him already" moving my arms off Benji's shoulder and wrapping them tight around Jame's chest as I laugh with the rest of the boys.

James got both of his arms around me too and Benji didn't really felt jealous about it (i think!) as we all got ourselves a group hug by the couch. With their warm alcoholic breath and juicy biceps crushing me to breathless reality, it was one of those moments that I felt that strangers may actually care. It wasn't out of naivety nor youthfulness, it was the presence of brotherhood despite the heightened alcohol and nicotine intake, it was family.

It was almost my curfew and they both escorted me down their condo and got me on a cab. Unfortunately, like most of the people I adore so much-they have to go somewhere down east coast the next week-prior to Daddy Tristan's flight. Though they did tell me that either one or both of them will come back on my birthday or September-I do hope James would be the one coming back. bwahahahaha.

"Bye Papa James" as I give him my famous bearhugs and kisses.

"O ako? wala ba akong kiss?" said Benji as he gives me my bag full of books and camera.

"Here ya go fukka!" giving him one of my goodbye greets.

"I'll really miss you both. Please do come back soon! Byeeeeeeeeee" as I open the front door seat and wave them goodbye to see their shadows fade by the cityscape. It was really fun meeting them. Like most of the people we meet in life, there would always be those people whom you already feel like family despite only actually meeting them for the first time.

Just like most of the parties we all get from the blogosphere or any other group. Despite the personal contact, there will always be those words-no matter how insincere or lovely they are-it would always somehow touch our hearts in a very special and unique way.

Now, as I get myself ready for the new week to start. I do hope I'll see MG this T and TH. I miss that fucker and I barely talked to him this past week. And yes, we all do expect a continuation to my "We want you series." Hopefully :)

"GET READY and HOLD ON TO YER PANTIES!!!!"

p.s. and if anyone from Tristan's party wants a copy of the pictures-Do leave a message or e-mail me your e-mail address so I could send you the group shots I had. It was spontaneously weird to be joining the party despite the late time. It was really fun meeting you all, and so was the eloquent LOF. XOXO to everyone.

p.s.s. I can't believe I'm finally sober after all those beers after just an hour past midnight. like whoa! a new world-record!

email: emilcanita@gmail.com

the flu

The clouds were whispering from every direction, umbrellas inside-out and my cigarette, grasping on its last straw of pseudo-weed as it waves goodbye to my lips. I was staring blankly pass Taft Avenue today when the news broke free.

"Dude! may Swine Flu sa La Salle-Main!"

Innately, I was pissed off and sad at the same time; Malay ba namin kung tumawid ang bruhang yan at nagyosi sa side namin? Kung kinausap ba niya si Jenny at nagkandawala na ang mga mikrobyong iyan sa bibig ng nakararami? Paano na kung may kaibigan pala akong nakausap nitong taong ito? Ilang araw na kaya siyang infected nito at gaano na siya katagal dito sa Pinas? Putang-ina! Gusto rin namin ng pahinga!

**********************************

I was playing with my lips as I walk around the hallways today; a mix of boredom and a subtle attempt to getting a quickie down the nearest restroom. Staring at cute faces were one of my acquired skills since studying at Benilde, and so were getting random smiles from complete strangers.

Rarely do I find myself attractive, unless I do get my cheeks up a little and my pearly whites shown-but on a regular basis, I'm not. Some times, I can't believe how lucky I am with my past boyfriends; they were all clearly above average.

Giving people straight faces were one of those things I was fond of since living in the big city; I have always believed that showing people your real emotions makes you more easier to prey on. The real world is a dog eat dog world-one day you're in, the next day you're out-it's like fashion!

I was browsing down my portfolio four hours ago. With my eyes dilating and lips squirming in digression, I was having doubts of my work. Will they ever be good enough for my editors? I hope I'll pass..this is my one way ticket to availing a scholarship-I can't just fail with this one. I haven't seen MG around school lately, it's been 3 days now and his aroma is nowhere; like the monsoon, sweeping its way through grasslands, leaving its saliva as it licks its way up to heavens-he was nowhere to be found.

It was hopeless. I have to get home soon.

Exhaustion was my best friend as I got off the local train station. The clouds were back again, whispering me with their despair, and hugging me tightly with their hair-making the heavy traffic as one of my acquaintances. No doubt was June three exhausting, I could barely lift my arms now and sip this last stick of Dunhill from my savior.

Sigh.

With my imagination running wildly as I sing Heartless for the nth time; I miss my boyfriend's arm around me, I miss my Mom's I love yous and my coffee buddies' laughter. The battle has just started and I feel like I'm already losing hope. No! No! Wake up! You can't give up! You can't! Not now, when everyone's looking up to you. These expectations must not be disappointed, hold on tight like an eagle to its prey, hold on tight like a baby to his mom.

The battle has just began.

"LETS GET IT ON BITCHEZ"